The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

A Penn student collects donated sewing machines to send back to her native Zimbabwe. "Thanks," say Zimbabweans. "But why did the shipment come with an order for 3,000 popped-collar Izods?" Plus 3

Michael Nutter postpones plans for a full-time Philadelphia lobbying office in Washington, D.C., because of budget deficit. "Does that mean I'm out of a job?" asks Bob Brady. "No, Bob, you're a congressman," replies Nutter. "Awesome!" says Brady. "Let's go to Houlihan's." Minus 1

A SEPTA driver chokes on a lozenge, causing him to crash the bus he was driving. "I feel terrible," says driver. "My throat still hurts." Minus 4

Michael Nutter and City Controller Alan Butkovitz announce a pension plan that will stretch out investments and losses over longer periods of time. Also they're working on a way to make kidney stones harder to pee out. Plus 1

While testifying in his own case, state Sen. Vince Fumo says, "In retrospect, I wish I never got elected to the Senate." He continued: "But in retro-retrospect, I wish I had never been indicted. I loved the Senate — so much free shit." Minus 2

A hugging team dispensed free hugs in LOVE Park on Valentine's Day Weekend. "In retrospect, I wish I never got selected for the hugging team," says Vince Fumo. Plus 1

A local contestant on an MTV reality show once posed nude on girlsofphilly.com. "We are appalled," says the show's producer. "This goes against the morality and decency standards upheld by Tila Tequila, Paris Hilton and this new show we have coming out where blindfolded chicks give handjobs to orangutans only they think it's their boyfriends." Even

Total Pluses: 5

Total Minuses: 7

Total for the Week: -2

Last Week's Total: 4