In The Event That...

Your Band Needs a Place to Crash

by Christina Shaffer

Tour:Smart: A Seminar for Bands | Mon., March 9, 7-8:30 p.m., free, Wooden Shoe Books, 508 S. Fifth St., 215-413-0999, woodenshoebooks.org

Martin Atkins thinks you're too dumb to run a successful band, even if you've got the chops to sell out the Wachovia Center. The punk rock drummer knows the rules of the road well, having toured with Ministry, Nine Inch Nails and his own Pigface. Now he's touring the country again — this time, to educate naïve musicians. "I'm trying to let everyone know that they are completely and totally screwed," says Atkins. "But if they can just accept that fact, then they might not be."

Atkins has seen all sides of touring — he's both effortlessly packed stadiums and struggled to fill tiny venues. He compiled that experience into a book, Tour:Smart: and Break the Band (Soluble LLC, $29.95), which he bases his seminars on.

To have a sustainable career, Atkins advises musicians to treat their band like a small business. His seminar provides several marketing, promotion and transportation strategies that will keep your band from missing its credit card payments. Atkins also explains how to build a basic Excel spreadsheet, so bands can efficiently budget their touring and merchandising finances. And, while the Internet is a great tool for promoting bands, Atkins says posting your upcoming shows on MySpace won't cut it. His seminar offers techniques to secure a more profitable show, even if it means auctioning your concert on eBay.

OK, so peddling your music alongside antique collectors isn't the same as selling out a stadium. But it sure beats skipping meals, doesn't it?