The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

L&I enlists the Ritz-Carlton to improve its customer service. By raiding it and shutting it down. "It's the only way we know," sobs L&I. Plus 1

Philadelphia lawyer Gregory Quigley pleads guilty to perjury in the Operation Delco Nostra mob case. "I said I was from Newtown," he sobs, "but I'm really from Marple! Oh, the shame!" Even

City officials explore privatizing parking meters. "We would like the PPA to give slightly less of a fuck than it does now," they explain. "We're perfectionists." Even

Michael Nutter kills a proposed trash collection fee. "We don't want to rush dystopia," Nutter explains. "To create a true hellscape takes time." Plus 4

SEPTA distributes a guide for passengers to deal with a possible strike. It explains the act of walking upright in painstaking detail. Minus 3

Beanie Sigel's 35th birthday party erupts in violence. This just in: Beanie Sigel's 36th birthday party to erupt in violence. Minus 3

The school district says state law prohibits guards from carrying firearms, but state officials say that's not true. A duel will settle this. Minus 1

An accounting error at the Ethics Board underestimates Bob Brady's campaign debt, stemming from his 2007 mayoral run. "Yes!" shouts Brady, pumping his fist. "No," says board, shaking its head sadly. "You're not paying attention." Minus 1

Total Pluses: 5

Total Minuses: 8

Total for the week: -3

Last week's total: 5