The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Vince Fumo is found guilty on all counts. South Philly turns to salt and is swept away by the wind. "What used to be here?" a man will wonder aloud one day. He will be gazing up Passyunk toward a quiet, shapeless sea of nothing. He will cry, for reasons unknown to him. Plus 5

The offices of the City Council president ban lobbyists from Council chambers, unless specifically invited. "And knock first so we can take our pants off." Plus 2

Volunteers will help detour traffic so toads living at the Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education can get to spawning grounds. Meanwhile Drexel girls have to do their walk of shame unattended. Plus 2

Analysts say that the taxes associated with city living are now comparable to the suburbs. What's that, Mayor Nutter, you have an announcement? Plus 4

The new owners of obese cat Prince Chunk say he is now down to 22 pounds. "We cut him in half." Plus 1

SEPTA employees do not strike after their contract expires. "You can't rush dystopia," explains spokesman. "To create a true hellscape takes time." Plus 2

Former Phillie Pat Burrell places ads in the Daily News and the Inquirer, thanking the city for its support. And asking if anyone's seen his World Series ring. Last place he saw it was a nightstand of a waitress from Continental. Or maybe Cuba Libre. Might've been blonde, or brunette. Tasted like cigarettes and Mike's Hard Lemonade. Plus 5

Don Polec leaves 6ABC. Wackily. Minus 10

Total Pluses: 21

Total Minuses: 10

Total for the week: 11

Last week's total: -3