The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

-7 The state House approves a measure that would take $90 million away from Philadelphia if it enacts its proposed ban on cell phone use while driving. "I'm just standing up for my constituents," says rep from western PA. "And what my constituents want is for the citizens of Philadelphia to die."

-3 The Police Advisory Commission investigates allegations of police brutality outside the TLA after officials were alerted via Twitter. CommishTweets: tinypic.com/cryinghipster LOL!!

+1 Michael Nutter spends a day in Harrisburg asking the state to approve the temporary sales tax hike and pension changes. "There was nothing else to do there," he sighs.

+1 Boys' Latin places second in the Philadelphia Scholastic Rowing Association's regatta. Meanwhile the Pig Latin team uckinfay uckedsay.

+1 Two women are ordained in the Catholic Church at Congregation Mishkan Shalom, a Reconstructionist Jewish synagogue in Roxborough. "Oh, that's it, I'm giving you fuckers Pig Flu," says God, who is Presbyterian.

-5 Three people allegedly steal an autographed photo of Willie Green from an auction to benefit a 9-year-old with a rare blood disorder. The item is almost as valuable as a photo of Willie Green.

+1 Singer Lauren Hart misses singing the National Anthem at a Flyers-Penguins playoff game because she is in Ethiopia adopting a child. "Also, I couldn't bear to see people in such desperate, hopeless conditions," she says.

-1 The May edition of Philadelphia magazine will feature a picture of a naked Michael Smerconish. Ladies of Philadelphia, meet the Little Talker.

+10 An unnamed man runs into a burning, unlicensed day care and saves the lives of almost a dozen people, including many children, before disappearing. In a pile of ash.

0 A federal judge will hear arguments concerning a 2008 ordinance that would require tour guides to take a test and get licensed. Legend has it that such a test was banned in the city's charter by none other than Benjamin Franklin, inventor of balloons and salad.

This Week's Total: -2

Last Week's Total: 11