The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer gives the commencement speech at Holy Family University. "Remember kids, you can throw a shut-out against pre-marital sex! And pick off those powerful homosexual impulses!"

- 3 Pete Matthews, head of the city's blue collar union, says he is not on speaking terms with Michael Nutter because of a speech he gave calling on union leaders to make concessions. "I have no idea how to cook a superpretzel," he confesses.

0 Officials announce they will crack down on illegal parkers to help alleviate traffic congestion. If that doesn't work, they'll try VapoRub.

0 An Italian man is arrested for cocaine possession at the Philadelphia International Airport. "But you a-gonna love a my cocainnolis!"

- 1 A delegation from France visits the Mural Arts Program in hopes of copying it in three Paris suburbs. "We love zee crappy pictures of zee hands and butterflies and sheet."

0 Council postpones zoning meeting for Foxwoods after the Gramercy Capital Corp. releases a statement opposing the casinos' move into the old Strawbridge's building, where Gramercy owns six floors. "We've got our own weird, greedy, money-making thing going on here," says Gramercy.

0 Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy join the locally filmed Café, about life in a coffee shop. Are we desperate enough to embrace this? Vote online: citypaper.net/theanswerisno.

0 In the June issue of Playboy, Jimmy Rollins predicts a Phillies-Yankees World Series. Which is much less presumptuous than what he does in the June issue of Playgirl.

+ 2 Sen. Arlen Specter makes an appearance at a Democratic fundraiser in Philadelphia. In drag. "I'm trying new things," he says.

0 The new soccer team in Chester will be called the Philadelphia Union. Unless youse guys want a giant inflatable rat in the middle of youse guys' field.

This Week's Total: 1 | Last Week's Total: 10