The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 2 Seventy-eight-year-old Teruyuki Okazaki, who has run a West Philadelphia dojo for 48 years, is the only living student of the founder of modern karate in the U.S. Bell Curve dares you to walk right up to this guy and punch him in the face. Do it. Just start fucking wailing on the guy.

+ 1 Harpists from around the region gathered for the third annual Harp Music Festival. "Why, I remember it just like it was yesterday," says one harpist. "No, I'm not launching into a dream sequence. I'm just playing scales."

+ 1 The Centenarian Celebration luncheon honors the 69 Philadelphians who are 99 or older. "Would you kids keep it down?" says Stu Bykofsky, sitting at a nearby table with a stegosaurus.

+ 1 Prosecutors spare a computer technician who admitted to obstructing the FBI investigation against Vince Fumo from prison because of his significant help in the investigation. "Can I help?" asks Vince Fumo.

- 7 The USDA says it will end Universal Feeding, a program in Philadelphia that gives low-income children free breakfasts and lunches without filling out paperwork. The Universal Beating program will continue until you knock it off with the inhaler, dork.

+ 2 Five students from the Philadelphia area compete in the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Sadly, two of them can't spell "breakfast," and three collapse for lack of it.

- 10 The captain of the Philadelphia Passion, the lingerie football team, admits to being a Giants fan. In fact, she's Eli Manning.

+ 1 Boaters celebrate Delaware River Day, which stresses safety and encourages preservation, at Penn's Landing. Isn't this great? All these people barbecuing and enjoying the sun and commemorating veterans. What a perfect Delaware River Day.

0 A confederate soldier is honored for the first time in Laurel Hill Cemetery on Memorial Day. "I was just walking through the neighborhood," says soldier's ghost. "Wow, did we lose or what?"

This Week's Total: -9 | Last Week's Total: 1