The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 The Philadelphia Bulletin folds. "I would like to purchase the Philadelphia Bulletin," says Brian Tierney.

+ 2 Students from the vocational Bok High participate in an after-school club rehabbing a former drug den in South Philadelphia. Now it's a current drug den.

- 3 The PSPCA arrests an Overbrook man after searching his home and finding 18 dogs that were allegedly being trained for fighting. Playing a game of illegal poker.

+ 2 The Philadelphia Zoo opens the McNeil Avian Center, a $17.5 million bird exhibit. "I live in a pool the size of a Prius," says hippopotamus.

+ 5 The Philadelphia Museum of Art represents the U.S. in the Venice Biennale, oft thought of as the world's most important art gathering. Not counting Shadfest, of course.

0 Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey announces that the 10 Segways purchased by the police department are being deployed. "I don't know how we'll adjust," says local crime lord. "Maybe make right-angle turns, or go up some steps."

+ 5 Jamie Moyer wins his 250th game. Then collapses in a pile of bones, dust and scotch tape.

0 After six months on house arrest, Larry Mendte is released. But to what? :(

+ 3 Michael Nutter extends the housing program, says that when it comes to homelessness, the city has more work to do. Adding: "Also when it comes to poverty. And corruption. And cleanliness. And park access. And crime. And education. And public transportation and traffic. Also street repair. Our taxes are too high. The Eagles always let us down. We're fat. Three of our Councilmen got elected because people confused them with their fathers. Will Smith won't even associate with us. The Real World almost got chased out by a hostile labor union. John frickin' Yoo is an editorial columnist in this town. MOVE. Mumia. Monkey House. Bruce Schimmel. Bad liquor laws. And you know what? I still love you fuckers."

This Week's Total: 14 | Last Week's Total: -9