The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 Police say a riot involving more than 10,000 youths on South Street was not part of a wider plot. Oh good, so it's just the 10,000 then.

0 Meryl Levitz, president of the Greater Philadelphia Tourism Marketing Corp., calls Parking Wars "an assault on our city." Fails to mention "our city" is also doing the assaulting.

0 The FBI releases two men on bail who conspired to get an unloaded gun onto a flight from Philadelphia to Phoenix. But keeps their deodorant.

+ 3 The city will spend $30 million to fix 110 miles of roadway. The streets are in shambles, having been decimated during the Parking Wars.

+ 2 A jury convicts former police officer Malik Snell of using his badge and gun to rob drug dealers. "You're under arrest!" says Snell to jury.

+ 2 Michael Nutter says that 46 of the city's 73 public pools will be open this summer. In other news: The city has 27 brand-new orgy pits!

0 State troopers and police officers, including Commissioner Charles Ramsey, station themselves on South Street to prevent another mob of teens from gathering. Commishtweets: South Street is LAME. Wish there had been a mob at Spaghetti Warehouse.

0 One of the baby hawks living near the Franklin tries to fly for the first time but is scared by crowds and needs assistance returning to its nest. "No wonder I got lost," says bird. "I was asking for the Franklin Institute. When did they change it? That's stupid. Gimme a baby mouse. I eat them."

0 A Southwest Philadelphia couple sues two narcotics officers, alleging the cops planted drugs in their home. Also the cops made them do the drugs. And all the Pringles are gone.

+ 1 Clint Eastwood and his wife, Dina, donate $500 to the Rat Chick Rat Rescue, a local rodent adoption agency. "Thank you very much," says Franklin Hawk in a mustache.

This Week's Total: 9 | Last Week's Total: 14