The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 1 The president of the Philadelphia Federation of Teachers blasts contract proposals by the Philadelphia School District. "Our bargaining position is simple: We are not going back in there."

+ 1 Attorney General Eric Holder says Philadelphians should support the president and help the economy by volunteering in their communities. With all due respect, Mr. Attorney General, have you met our communities?

+ 1 A Few Good Men, an unfunded, informal coalition that works to improve Strawberry Mansion, holds its third annual Father's Day community cookout. Too bad it was ruined by the vanilla sky, tropic thunder and rain, man.

+ 1 Philadelphia hosts its 11th Wizard World Convention. "Truly, this is a magical city," says Gary the Gray. "The Gallery reminds me of Mordor. And is that a clock atop City Hall, or the Eye of Sauron? And where is my mom's Dodge Caravan? The glue on my beard weakens."

0 Gov. Ed Rendell reappoints John Dougherty to the board of the Delaware River Port Authority. He releases an accompanying statement: "Fuck it."

0 Stephen Starr and his team sample pizza across the country in preparation for a parlor he plans to open in Society Hill. "I have acquired P'Zone technology," he says.

- 2 City Council rejects a bill that would ban plastic bags from all major stores. "Damn," says local dog. "We were ready to shit with impunity."

- 5 Ralph Archibold, the city's most famous Ben Franklin impersonator, suffers a mild stroke, but his family reports he is doing fine. For fuck's sake, Ralph. Stay in character!

- 1 Three men rob a North Philadelphia McDonald's by entering through the drive-thru window. "Stay off my turf!" says Hamburglar, adding, "robble robble."

- 7 Four contestants move into a Mustang parked outside of Tony Luke's in a bid to win the car in a contest sponsored by WYSP. The way you win is to not be one of these four people.

Total for the Week: -13

Last Week's Total: -20