Oklahoma!

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This month's Aid or Invade is dedicated to Oklahoma state Rep. Sally Kern, who recently issued a proclamation blaming America's current economic woes on our president, whom she says "disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to an immoral behavior."

This condemnation of Gay Pride Month is not just striking because it smells entirely of Ms. Kern's own ass, but also because the Oklahoma! soundtrack (available on the Angel label) is the single gayest recording of all time.

The whole thing kicks off with an overture. Now, if there's one thing I've learned from watching the 700 Club while drunk, it's that homosexuals spend most of their free time making overtures to hunky straight Christian men like Larry Craig and Ted Haggard. And just look at the song titles: "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" (obviously code for some sort of gay sex thing), "Out of My Dreams" (and my closet) and "I Can't Say No" (to reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess, no doubt). Shit, Luther — decades before Brokeback Mountain, Oklahoma! gave us "The Farmer and the Cowman."

Verdict:

If you'd like to help enlighten Ms. Kern to her state's under-appreciated gay heritage, please send a copy of this column to: Rep. Sally "Butch" Kern, 2300 N. Lincoln Blvd., Rm. 332, Oklahoma City, OK 73105.

You can also pass a link to the online version of this column on to Ms. Kern via her Web site, repsallykern.com (click "contact"). The person who sends us some sort of proof that they mailed Sally the most letters will win a copy of the Oklahoma! soundtrack.

(r_anonymous@citypaper.net)