The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 4.5 Vince Fumo is sentenced to only 4.5 years in prison. "Woulda gone harder on him," says judge, "but this is a rich old white man. And so am I."

+ 3 The Philadelphia Peaceful Surrender program, held at churches and mosques around the city, guides fugitives through the surrender process and connects them with social services. Such as prison.

- 1 Records show that Barry Mescolotto used time he was supposed to be working at the Board of Revision of Taxes to bid on SEPTA contracts. He also watched "Hamster on a Piano" 11 times in one afternoon.

+ 1 Jill Biden is recovering well after having shoulder surgery at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital. "Good as new," says Joe, yanking her arm.

0 Phil Hughes, a lab technician at Merck and the vice president of Local 10-86 of the United Steelworkers, announces his candidacy for the 2011 City Council race. This would be only the third time Philly has elected a lab technician/steelworker/councilman who is not also the son of a former mayor.

- 3 Some staff on the city payroll make more money than many on the White House payroll, including Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel and senior adviser David Axelrod. "Tough titties," says Fatty McBulgingpockets, deputy chief VP of the Mayor's Office of Frivolous Spending and Fabergé Egg Procurement.

- 3 The Philadelphia Museum of Art reduces pay-as-you-wish Sundays to once a month. Also, Free Statue Madness is no longer on the fall calendar.

+ 1 A Germantown home that housed George Washington will reopen after major renovations. It now includes plumbing, electricity and no slavery.

+ 3 Officials laud the regional success of Operation Falcon, a dragnet operation meant to catch fugitives charged with major felonies. "Got 'em," says overzealous rookie cop, cradling a pile of dead bird babies. "They were just swooping around City Hall like a flock of idiots."

Total for the Week: -3.5

Last Week's Total: 0