The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 6 Tyler Perry gives kids at Creative Steps, the camp at the center of the Huntington Valley pool controversy, a free trip to Disney World. So remember, kids: When some strange dude in a dress pulls up, hop in the van!

- 5 A woman may sue the city after a cop put a gun to her neck and the incident was caught on tape. Or she may want to feel safe again.

0 Adoptees protest at the National Conference of State Legislatures for the right to access adoption records. They'll never win because nobody really loves them. KIDDING!!!

- 2 No representatives from Pennsylvania attend the National Conference of State Legislatures because the state has yet to pass its budget. Anyway the best orgies are always at Legi-Con in September.

+ 2 The Bridesburg Rec Center celebrates Jacqueline DeSanctis for 50 years of service; she wore a paper crown and sash that read "Queen of Bridesburg." Although that's just a ceremonial title. The elected leader of Bridesburg is actually a raccoon named Howie.

- 2 The former chief executive of the Philadelphia Academy in the Northeast pleads guilty to stealing $500,000 from the school. "This is a dark day for our community," says Howie in a written statement.

+ 1 Denzel Washington visits a Rita's Water ice on Passyunk and gives the kid working the counter $50, telling her to keep the change. Wow, Denzel. You're the next Tyler Perry.

+ 6 Phanatic dresses up as Batman and taunts Jack Nicholson. Later Danny DeVito is seen slipping the Phanatic a fifty.

- 2 The Public Record says Vince Fumo will return to Philadelphia after his jail sentence a folk hero who would be re-elected if not for a law that forbade felons from running for office. In fact, he would still be in office TODAY if not for a law that forbade people from stealing.

Total for the Week: 4

Last Week's Total: -3.5