The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 2 Former Philadelphia Zoo residents, elephants Bette and Kallie, settle in to their new home at the International Conservation Center in Pittsburgh. "This is much more comfortable than that other place," says Bette. "Yeah," agrees Kallie, "here, everyone shits in public."

+ 5 U.S. Rep. Patrick Murphy from Bucks County makes Philadelphia his first stop on a national tour that pushes for the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." From there he went to New Hope, and then back home.

+ 1 A cleaning supplies salesman gets three years probation for giving kickbacks to employees of SEPTA, the Housing Authority and other public agencies. Something's not right here: SEPTA has had access to cleaning products all along?

+ 3 The city will receive federal funds to hire 50 police officers. But will spend it on Segways for garbage men.

+ 1 A parrot that disappeared from the Zoo is found in Fairmount Park and returned. "I was on my way to Pittsburgh," says parrot. "It just fits my crap-anywhere lifestyle."

+ 1 A judge sentences a gynecologist who provided services to the city's largest municipal union to three years in prison for defrauding Independence Blue Cross. He's just like Vince Fumo, except he embezzled vaginas.

- 4 Fifty restaurateurs create Restaurants for Fair Competition, which decries a Liquor Control Board plan to open wine boutiques in upscale grocery stores, because it will siphon off business. "If you've got an idiotic plan to tighten our stranglehold on your liquor, I'd like to hear it", says PLCB spokesman. "Because we're down to goddamn boutiques."

+ 1 A Harrisburg activist lines up 30 vacuums to protest the 55-month sentence of Vince Fumo, who once directed his nonprofit to buy him Oreck vacuum cleaners. The activist was arrested for disturbing the peace, and promptly sentenced to death.

0 Inky reports rumors that Tony Danza will teach one period of English for 13 weeks at Northeast High for an A&E reality show. "I told you, we have nothing left to sell," says Michael Nutter to the Devil.

Total for the Week: 10

Last Week's Total: 4