EGYPT!

Obama was born on Tatooine.

by Rodney Anonymous

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Published: Aug 5, 2009

Mahmoud El Esseily Tool Manty Ganby (EMI)

Sometimes you just want to puke your fucking guts out, know what I mean?

It doesn't matter what drove you to the edge of tossing your lunch. It could've been one too many videos of demented old ladies holding up town hall meetings by insisting that President Obama was born on the desert planet of Tatooine. Or one too many e-mails forwarded by your crazy uncle warning that America is soon to have its Christian Nation status revoked. Or one too many news stories about Congresswoman Michele Bachmann that omitted the word "cunt" and lack capital letters: i.e. "MICHELE BACHMANN IS A CUNT."

The point is that you're college-educated, well-read and about to find yourself in a depressed stupor and jerkin' off to Rachel Maddow — unless you take action now. That's why you need to buy a copy of (Vin Diesel look-a-like) Mahmoud El Esseily's new CD, Tool Manty Ganby (EMI).

It doesn't matter whether the CD is any good (it's excellent, by the way). What does matter is that the CD is unmistakably "Ay-Rab" music.

Now, go to either eBay or a thrift store and score an old jam box. All you have to do now is find a place where crazy people congregate (the entire state of Oklahoma, for starters), crank up the CD and watch 'em scatter like flies whose shit soufflé has just been jostled. It might also help to wrap a towel around your head when you do this.

Verdict:

Great, a bunch of xenophobic American assholes have just forced us to aid Egypt, a country with a piss-poor human rights record. Yippee fuck.

(r_anonymous@citypaper.net)

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