The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 2 A judge rules that local publisher Jim Warren can no longer claim rights to the magazine title Famous Monsters of Filmland. And right now, in a deep, dark basement laboratory, Warren waves a single strand of the judge's hair under the nose of the beast he created to do his bidding. "Bring him to me," he whispers.

- 3 Stedman Graham, Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend, speaks to a West Philly high school about how to achieve the highest level of success. Or, barring that, how to become a beard for someone who has.

- 1 A man robbed an armored car of a small amount of money in Bella Vista. And was apprehended waiting for a table at Sabrina's.

0 Google Transit and HopStop compete to give public transportation directions to Philadelphia. Breaking news: Whatever HopStop was just folded.

- 1 The Internal Affairs Bureau investigates an officer who used a police computer to do a background check on President Obama. And just like that, Domelights lost its best investigative reporter.

+ 1 Vince Fumo misses the deadline to appeal his sentence, but will cross-appeal if federal prosecutors decide to. And will do a sudoku if they do not.

0 Joan Rivers stops by Philly for her new show How'd You Get So Rich? about millionaires who made their money in unusual ways. Oh hey, you just missed Stedman.

0 Information about Michelle Obama's visit to Philadelphia with daughters Malia and Sasha is spread via Twitter. According to an Inquirer report 18 hours later.

- 5 State Sen. Dominic Pileggi says Michael Nutter's budget provisions would probably be approved but the vote will not happen for several weeks. "Now check out how good I am getting at the violin."

0 A judge dismisses a suit against the unenforced law that requires tour guides be tested and licensed. Uh, dude, don't you know President George Jefferson declared the test unconstitutional in 1492?

Total for the Week: -11

Last Week's Total: 1