The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 Philadelphia is swarming with celebrities, including Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Bradley Cooper, Jake Gyllenhaal and Brooke Hogan. "What about us?" ask Northeast Nick, Joey Six Chairs, Donnie Dumpsterpants and Mr. Whiskers, the mayor of Kensington.

0 Petitions pop up online, seeking to ban Michael Vick from football. And, if there's time, save Darfur!

0 Chan Ho Park, who became the first Korean-born player to play Major League Baseball in 1994, is still hugely popular overseas. Oh, so he's like the Korean Brooke Hogan?

+ 2 Philadelphia's restaurants are becoming known for their gluten-free options. And their hilarious pranks on celiacs.

+ 1 Mayor Nutter puts Thomas P. Corcoran, who led the revitalization of Camden's waterfront, in charge of the Delaware River Waterfront Corp. "I'm going to miss Camden," says Corcoran in his introductory press conference, lying.

+ 1 SEPTA says WiFi may be coming soon to its Regional Rails. It also may not. Actually, that's much more likely.

- 3 Philadelphia is in the midst of its first heat wave this summer. "I smell REAL bad," says Donnie Dumpsterpants.

0 According to the Wall Street Journal, Brian Tierney will ask his lenders to wipe out his $300 million debt in exchange for about $90 million in cash and real estate. Great idea! Later this evening, Bell Curve will be asking Subway to exchange a $5 footlong for $2 and an old photo of Babette Josephs.

- 1 Thieves steal $400,000 in gold and diamonds by drilling into a safe at a Center City jewelry store. And $35 in Cape May diamonds rooting through drawers in Port Richmond.

+ 1 A security employee fired for criticizing the Eagles says he wants a second chance like the team is giving Vick. He will probably say other stuff, too, in the future, but no one will be there to write it down like they were this time.

Total for the Week: 2 | Last week's total: -11