The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 5 Mayor Nutter's "doomsday budget" scenario is averted. "Can I still do my next press conference in a grim reaper costume?" he asks.

- 1 Police recover a stolen cruiser in West Oak Lane after it had been taken on a six-hour joyride. Would've been found sooner, but the APB for "a cop car disobeying traffic laws and driving erratically" turned up a lot of false leads.

0 Joseph S. Merlino, nephew of notorious Philly mobster "Skinny Joey" Merlino, says his construction company is being barred from working on casino projects because of his familial ties. "Also, I guess it doesn't help that all my blueprints call for foundations composed of concrete, steel and corpses of people what wronged me."

- 5 Two men are arrested for heading a dog fighting ring in East Germantown. Which leads to even more cheap-shot Michael Vick protests and jokes from people who never said a word when Kobe Bryant and Mike Tyson were allowed to return to their chosen professions.

+ 3 The Somerville section of East Germantown gets its first grocery store in 40 years. So who wants roast pit bull? Oh hi, Mr. Vick. Would you like a leg or a thigh? Haha he eats dogs.

0 Police urge women to use "the buddy system" while jogging in Fairmount Park. Women urge police to speak to women like adults.

- 2 SEPTA delays the deadline for bids on a Smart Card system for the fourth time. "We still have some questions," explains SEPTA official. "Like is the Smart Card a kind of a hat you wear? Also, is it OK to eat them, because Ted ate one."

0 Vince Fumo fights his assignment to a low-security jail in Ashland, Ky., saying it's too far for his fiancée and children to visit. Then he sits down on his cot and starts sobbing. "I guess I should have thought of my loved ones before I betrayed the taxpayers. I have been an immoral monster and when I'm finally called to hell I will go willingly. Please never visit me in jail. My shame is too great."

Total for the week: 0 | Last week's total: 2