First Thing We Do Is ...

"If I could be quiet?"

by Brian Howard

As you may recall from last week's letter, I was involved in an auto accident at Broad and Pike recently. I spent a good deal of time in the ensuing days on the phone with my insurance company and the body shop (hold tight, Joe and Gary), because cars, I'd forgotten since buying mine, generate a god-awful lot of paperwork.

And then my phone started ringing. I didn't recognize the numbers,but thinking they might be from my claim adjuster, or the body shop, or, you know, someone officially connected to the incident, I answered them. And the ridiculousness started. Some of the calls were from quasi-official-sounding entities like (and I'm changing all the names here so as not to promote the vulturous) "The Auto Accident Assurance Association" or "The Pennsylvania Accident Assurance Agency." Some were from mysteriously nameless doctor's offices. All had my cell phone number, which they got from my accident report, and all delivered the same message: I could be entitled to MONEY if I'd just let them represent or examine me.

Don't get me wrong: I often engage in contracts with strangers who call my cell phone (and who e-mail me, and who send me exciting vacation offers via the facsimile machine). But something about all of this seemed baldly opportunistic. Uninjured and not interested in filing fraudulent legal action, I politely informed these suitors that while I did appreciate their concern formy welfare, I indeed already had a doctor and insurance and therefore would not be enlisting their services. But some of them started getting pushy:

Me: "Hello."

"The doctor's office": "This is the doctor's office, and ... "

Me: "Wait, which doctor's office?"

"The doctor's office": "This is the doctor's office. We heard you were in an accident and if you could come in for a free examination ... "

Me: "Wait. What doctor's office are you calling from?"

"The doctor's office": "If you'd be quiet for a second I could tell you."

Me: "If I could be quiet?" [I hang up]

Then there was the Pennsylvania Accident Agency (or whatever) [PAA(OW)] who called from a Tennessee area code:

The PAA(OW): "Is this Brian? This is the Pennsylvania Accident Agency or whatever ... "

Me: "Really? Why are you calling fromTennessee?"

The PAA(OW): "We're in a call center."

It was all kind of amusing in its absurdity, and when my cell phone rang while I was out to dinner at Jose Garces' new Village Whiskey (whose Village Burger, incidentally, really should be part of this "best burger in the city" debate), I couldn't help but laugh along as I answered the same questions: Yes, I am. Yes, I was. No, I'm not. Really? That sure is a lot of money. I have a doctor, but thanks!

It's amazing the feeding frenzy that results from your phone number appearing on an accident report. Suffice it to say, I soon grew tired ofanswering calls from unknown numbers. Don't get me wrong, I know lots of good, decent lawyers. But Shakespeare had the right idea.

Relatedly, I've received several comments regarding an aside in last week's column about how I'm contemplating, for the first time in seven years, going completely carless, but none so enthusiastic as Rachel Cheetham-Richard of Philly's Avencia Inc. After expressing relief that I was not injured, Rachel offered this: "On a positive note: Welcome to the Philly Carless Club!!!"

A vociferous advocate of carlessness, Cheetham-Richard assuaged my concerns about, say, needing to run to the home center, pointing me enthusiastically toward Philly CarShare and Zip Car. "True, it's not as convenient as having your own car, but boy, the inconveniences of owning a car are so much greater for the few trips you actually need a car to go to the Home Depot, IKEA, supermarket, etc."

And then she turned the debate on itshead.

"Being carless is one of the major reasons [my husband and I] have stayed in Philly. For us, it is a luxury, not an ideology. No worries about parking, no costs for parking, maintenance, vandalism, insurance, etc. How many major American cities can accommodate that?"

I'm giving this some thought. What do you think? Let me know at:

(bhoward@citypaper.net)