The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 The "Hipster Grifter" receives a nine-month jail sentence. This despite fervent online supporters who point out that the defendant is, in fact, a cute girl.

- 2 The Archdiocese announces it will close Cardinal Dougherty High School. Sadly every attempt to protest has devolved into Eagles chants.

+ 1 Volunteers, including 25 members of the Philadelphia Panthers minor league football team, clean up the Walnut Hill area of West Philly. "Well, we live on the hill," explains star quarterback somebody something.

+ 2 A man is charged with stealing three replica World Series rings from Citizens Bank Park after writing his real name and address on a job application a few minutes earlier. "I'm really sorry," says Adam Eaton. "I hope this doesn't hurt my chances."

+ 1 Central High inducts The Three Stooges' Larry Fine into its Hall of Fame. "He may not have been the funniest person to go to school here," says official. "But he was certainly the smartest."

+ 3 The Bacon Brothers and Bunny Sigler will headline a benefit for the Mummers in December. More importantly, you can now connect Jay-Z to the Ferko String Band in four moves.

+ 1 Congressman Patrick Murphy says President Obama's basketball skills remind him of the Sixers' Thaddeus Young. Which explains why Young was just named MVP.

+ 1 Steven Spielberg accepts the 2009 Liberty Medal from Bill Clinton. Along with an unsolicited screenplay for something called Executive Beej.

- 1 The WWE sends a cease and desist letter to the Wine School of Philadelphia because of their Sommelier Smackdowns. Also, Wine School founder David Wallace has to stop referring to himself as Mr. Wonderful, The Brain and The Dragon Steamboat.

+ 1 Don Polec, who left 6ABC earlier this year, returns to the station as a freelancer. And just in time: Some lady in Ambler taught her parrot how to yo-yo!

Total for the week: 7

Last week's total: 8