A Million Stories

The city of brotherly love, in 828 words or less

by Jeffrey C. Billman and Andrew Thompson

Oh, hey there. Didn't see you. Thanks for stopping by. What's that? Why yes, we do look and sound a bit different. But that's OK. Change is good. So what's changing? A lot, and a little. We'll still bring you the best short news stories we can dig up. But we're also broadening our horizons. This is a column that's all about Philly — about all of us, the 1.5 million people who call this beautiful, disgusting, obnoxious, exciting place home. The good, the bad, the ugly. Whatever makes us laugh, whatever makes us cry, whatever makes us angry. Everything and nothing. So let's get to it.

Dept. of Awesome Press Releases

So there we were, sitting on our front porch pondering life's big questions — Why are we here? What's death like? Which anal lube is best for our family? — when our e-mail delivered some welcome news: Philly's own TLA Entertainment, the parent company of TLAgay.com and the largest gay-adult retailer in the country, was about to solve some of our most perplexing problems. TLA "has announced the launch of the TLA Sexology Institute," the press release informed us, which is "dedicated to help[ing] discerning adult toy customers navigate the oftentimes confusing world of adult novelties."

You're not kidding. Seriously, how are we to know one butt plug from the next? We need guidance. Enter TLA, and its in-house "sexologist," Dr. Franklin Groovinchops. The Sexology Institute — "comprised of a dedicated staff of oversexed chronic masturbators," the press release says — aims to become a sort of naughty man's Consumer's Digest.

First up, lubes: "The selection process for lubes was somewhat arduous," Groovinchops says, "what with so many products available these days, but we used criteria such as which companies marketed their lubes to gay men, looked at our top-selling lube products and incorporated all the big-name brands for obvious reasons."

Two weeks of intensive product testing later, the Institute had its first batch of results. The winner? Pjur Classic Bodyglide, which retails for $11.99 on TLAgay.com. If you're looking for value and viscosity, Stroke 29 Rocket Fuel is the best of the lot ($15.99); the best-quality prize goes to Boy Butter ($16.49). Next, the Sexology Institute plans to tackle the difficult world of strokers, penis pumps and anal toys. We'll keep you posted. It is, after all, our job.

Ooh, That Smell

Evan M. Lopez

The house at 739 Earp St. in South Philly smells like shit. It's not just us saying so, though we've been there, and it does.

The residents next door smell shit, and residents behind the house smell shit — dog shit, they say, and probably cat shit, too. It's especially bad in the summer, the neighbors say, though it's gotten worse since the homeowners — identified in property and tax records as Frank and Antoinette Rotanta — installed a new air conditioner that spews exhaust from the putrid rooms.

"I don't even open my windows," a neighbor tell us. (That neighbor and others we spoke to requested anonymity.) Our efforts to contact the Rotantas were unsuccessful — though when we opened their screen door to knock, the smell damn near knocked us over.

Nearly every agency that deals with shitty-smelling houses has gotten involved. Councilman Frank DiCicco's office says it has gotten calls. Neighbors say the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paid a visit. The city's health department checked out the house. The Department of Licenses & Inspections says an inspection is in progress and labels this an "emergency" situation. If L&I calls foul, that could lead to a citation and fines.

Besides the stench, say the neighbors, the house itself exudes an eerie insularity. The shades are yellowed and drawn, the backyard has become overgrown with vines and the front porch is littered with dead potted plants. The only evidence that someone still lives there is the barking of the dogs, which means someone's feeding them, which means that they keep shitting. 

Speaking of Excrement

Here's a cause everyone can rally behind: the disbarment of Bush administration torture apologist/Inky columnist John Yoo, whose half-cocked legal opinions granted George W. Bush the authority to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, to whomever the hell he wanted, Constitution be damned, thank you very much. Go on and disbar the bastard, we say. Hell, dismember him, too, for all we care.

Last week, we came upon a link from our third-favorite local gossip site, philebrity.com, to the Bill of Rights Defense Committee (bordc.org), which has a petition on its Web site demanding a "robust and thorough inquiry" into the ethics complaint lodged against Yoo with the Pennsylvania Bar. If the Bar ejects Yoo, he'll probably get fired from his teaching gig at the University of California, and be disgraced everywhere except the pages of Brian Tierney's bankrupt newspaper. And that, dear readers, seems to be all the justice we can hope to extract.