The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 5 SEPTA strike ends. Which means you can go back to just being sort of angry.

0 Representatives from Stove Top stuffing are mobbed when they attempt to hand out free SEPTA tokens. The sad thing is how many people ate their tokens.

- 3 A financial adviser accused of preying on retired schoolteachers with quasi-Ponzi schemes that netted him about $4.6 million pled not guilty in U.S. District Court. "I told you, it was a Fonzie scheme," he says. "They gave me quarters for the jukebox, but everyone knows Fonzie doesn't need freaking quarters for the jukebox."

- 1 Google is extending free Wi-Fi service to 47 U.S. airports, but Philadelphia International is not one of them. "I'm fully capable of writing an algorithm that can parse all the data on the Internet in seconds," says Google's Sergey Brin, "but making PHL more pleasant is a bit above my pay scale."

+ 2 An ex-cop who abused his authority to rob drug dealers was sentenced to 30 years in federal prison. Which was probably his plan all along — jail is full of drug dealers.

+ 2 Alex's Lemonade Stand, a charity that fights childhood cancer, teamed up with Pat's Steaks to raise money. Which is cool and uplifting, but c'mon guys — lemon cheesesteak? Fail.

- 7 Budget Director Steve Agostini announced that the city will end the fiscal year with a $31 million deficit. Yikes! Whoever's in charge of that shit should be fired.

- 1 Fox News fired Philly native and Penn Ph.D. Marc Lamont Hill, one of the networks's rare liberal commentators. "This is heartbreaking," he says. "Now I've got no soul and no job."

- 2 Controller Alan Butkovitz says tow truck companies are overcharging drivers. He also says he does not covet butts, and we should stop pronouncing it that way.

+ 2 The No. 2-ranked team in the all-female Lingerie Football League, the Philadelphia Passion, beat the New York Majesty 40-6. Wonder if they're world fuckin' champions.

Total for the week: -3

Last week's total: -3