The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 8 Philly chef-restaurateur Jose Garces wins a spot on the Food Network's Iron Chef America team. Joey Vento demands to see a birth certificate.

- 4 Councilman Frank DiCicco introduces legislation requiring bicyclists get registered with the city for a onetime $20 fee. Then he gets bit by a mosquito and demands all bugs get photo IDs. And when his General Tso's platter comes late he has the delivery guy deported.

- 5 Daily News columnist Stu Bykofsky rails against "scofflaw" bicyclists. "They've made a complete mockery of my generation's most useful innovation. Namely, the wheel. I'm from caveman times. That's how old I am."

- 8 Camden is once again named the most dangerous city in the U.S. "Crime Champions," says Camden. "Crime Fucking Champions."

- 1 Three hackers under the handles Defiant, Slacker and EBK are charged with hacking into Comcast's e-mail and voicemail servers. "You caught us," say hackers. "We pressed 0 even though we don't use rotary phones."

0 For the second time this year, thieves steal ceramic squirrels that are part of a Penn art installation. "Ceramic?" says local squirrel. "No wonder it seemed like I was doing all the work. Still, I love Karen and I'm not giving her back."

- 1 Danny Bonaduce trains to try out for the Philadelphia Union soccer team. A receding tide sinks all ships.

- 1 Cops crack down on cyclists' road violations. "Just for a week," says officer, "because we know — no matter what regressive legislation Frank DiCicco proposes or comment-baiting column Stu Bykofsky writes — that the real transit problem in this city is and will always be motorists whose infractions and inherent sins are many times more dangerous than those of cyclists. So to speak."

Total for the week: -9

Last week's total: 6