The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 The city unveils a new logo, The Liberty Bell encircled by the words "City of Philadelphia, Life, Liberty and You." Move along, pursuers of happiness.

- 4 Video tape shows nine bouncers beating two men outside Jay-Z's 40/40 Club in Atlantic City. Of somebody's 99 problems, finding a lawful security force appears to be one.

+ 1 The A.C. beating was shot by DJ Zeke of Staten Island, who had just performed at the club. Of somebody's remaining 98 problems, a snitch appears to be one.

+ 2 Work crews dredging the Delaware River near Fort Mifflin find a cannonball and other colonial artifacts. Well, hot damn. A cannonball. Get back to work, numbskulls.

- 1 The recently criticized Board of Revision of Taxes blames Mayor Nutter and City Council for the city's faulty property-tax-assessment system. If only there were a board that could revise it.

+ 5 Philadelphia puts law into effect banning hand-held cell phone use by drivers, skateboarders and bicyclists. "Drivers will ignore it," says local patrolman. "They'll use their phones while driving, probably to order ahead at some nasty, unsustainable chain restaurant like fucking Pei Wei in what-the-fuck-ever suburb they live in, likely hit a pedestrian or two and maybe maim one of those horse-and-buggy horses. And then they'll bitch about cyclists. But hey, that's drivers for ya."

+ 2 About 100 bike messengers hold a rally in the rain to protest unfair treatment by City Council. "We're sorry," says Frank DiCicco. "Please accept this gift basket of Irish Spring and Rid."

+ 4 Thanks to controversial income tax laws, the city pulls in some serious cash from visiting sports teams, including about $300,000 from the Yankees in the World Series. Well, when you buy the World Series, you gotta expect some hidden fees.

+ 2 Philly-based porn company Popporn receives nine nominations for awards from Adult Video News. Congratulations to the casts and crews of Smella Fista, Queen Spillage, Eats Ballz, Manayspunk, Grad Hoes, Society Drill, Crammed in Spew Jersey, Hairmount and Fishtown.

Total for the week: 11

Last week's total: -9