A Million Stories

By: Evan M. Lopez

Dept. of Jesus Loves You, Everyone Else Thinks You're an Asshole

You know what we love more than being told we're going to hell? Nothing, that's what. So, on Dec. 6, we palled around with those delightful hatemongers from the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church , as the good Christian soldiers who brought you godhatesfags.com and jewskilledjesus.com ventured to the heathen metropolis of Philadelphia to "look for good figs among the filthy, Christ-rejecting Jews ." First stop for WBC head bigot Fred Phelps and his merry band of mostly familial knuckle-draggers: The Crowne Plaza Hotel in Cherry Hill, N.J., which hosted the International Biennial Convention of the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism .

We skipped this stop, because, you know, New Jersey . But, we joined up with them for rounds two and three, at the future site of the National Museum of American Jewish History and, later, the Cathedral Basilica of SS. Peter and Paul , which is — according to WBC's Web site, which we actually went to, and then took a long, long shower — a " fag-infested, pedophile whorehouse ." The Westboro folks held up signs about how Jews and Catholics and queers are evil and how everyone — except them — is going to burn in hell. (Also, Barack Obama is the antichrist.) The couple dozen counter-protesters didn't take kindly to the Phelpses' brand of Christmas cheer , so the police were dispatched to protect them. (One protester e-mails that, after he shouted at the WBC clan to "get the fuck out of our city, " a cop asked him to watch his mouth , so as not to make his job more difficult.)

From there, the Great Hate Parade headed to the Electric Factory in Northern Liberties, where pop-punk act All Time Low was slated to play a bunch of harmless songs for teenagers in skinny jeans . Explains Megan Phelps-Roper , Fred Phelps' granddaughter: "The Lord presented the opportunity for us to be in the same city at the same time and we intend to make the best of it."

In other words, they wanted attention; the media obliged. (Yeah, we did, too. We hate ourselves .) The concert protest attracted the local CBS and NBC affiliates , so mission accomplished. At some point, the band members wandered outside, but we were too busy chatting up the guy next to us with a " My God is GG Allin " sign to notice. We stand by our decision.

The next morning, the Phelpses went back to Cherry Hill, this time to picket Cherry Hill High School East , which is, and we did not know this, " fag-infested " and " pervert-run ."

" God's curse is on your brats , doomed America!" WBC proclaims in its flier announcing the protest. Once you overcome your gag reflex, their Web site is really quite amusing.

Here again, we didn't go — Jersey but according to media reports, some 100 counter-protesters wasted their morning shouting at these professional trolls . But, lookie here: A Facebook group used the Phelpses protest to raise money for the Matthew Shepard Foundation , so something useful came out of this, after all.

Updates Desk

Remember that wonderfully ironic kerfuffle between the Pennsylvania Friends of Animals (PFA) and the Independence National Historical Park (see A Million Stories, Nov. 18)? No? Put down the skull bong and pay attention, hippie. Here's a quick recap: Back in September, PFA wanted to protest the horse-drawn carriages than run along the park, because horse-drawn carriages are mean to horses. A park ranger, however, ordered them to a sidewalk across the street, because such protesting is, like, dangerous . PFA recruited the ACLU of Pennsylvania to negotiate on their behalf to get a permit for a second protest, but the park announced that they were done talking.

Hello, lawsuit. On Dec. 1, the ACLU of Pennsylvania asked a federal court for an injunction prohibiting the park from interfering in PFA's planned Dec. 5 protest. According to the ACLU, the park was violating a 1998 federal court order that barred it from "preventing ... individuals, or groups distributing literature, assembling, or soliciting signatures" from gathering in the park. By Dec. 3, the park and PFA agreed to a permit that allowed protesters to do their thing inside of the park, so long as they didn't go within 20 feet of a building entrance or exit or within 12 feet of a street corner . Of course, those buffer zones are more restrictive than the ones surrounding many abortion clinics, but no matter. On Saturday, 16 PFA activists braved the snow and marshaled themselves into groups alongside Fifth and Sixth streets, between Market and Chestnut streets, and all went pretty much as planned, except there weren't too many passers-by and tourists to hassle . "I don't care on a day like today," Ron Jones , a carriage driver, told us. "If it were, like, 55 degrees — a sunny Saturday — however, I'd have a major problem."

Of course, the PFA isn't satisfied. They don't like the restrictions , or that they have to get a permit to hand out literature on public sidewalks . "I think the ACLU's going to continue to push for getting the rules of the park and its permit system permanently changed on the books," says PFA campaign coordinator Brandon Gittelman .

As always, we'll keep you posted. At least, until we stop caring.