The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 Rina Cutler, deputy mayor for transportation, says city officials chose a costlier, less far-reaching light-rail system than the one proposed by a French company because it had a more realistic timeline, among other reasons. Dear God, are we doomed to be plagued by corruption and shitty public transportation forever? Yours, Philadelphia. Dear Philadelphia, Oh God, yes. Sincerely, God.

+ 5 Police apprehend a thief after he took pictures of himself with a woman's stolen cell phone, which she had programmed to send images directly to her. "Also texted her my address," he says. "I'm a shitty thief."

0 Reps from savethemummers.com meet with city officials to discuss the future of the parade. "So what you're saying," says city official, "is that without our help you're not gonna be, and let me make sure I've got the terminology correct, 'feathery enough' nor 'sequinny enough' while you march down the street pretending to be 'banjo-playing hobbits and stormtroopers,' even though those movies are, like, way, way old. For the record, have I correctly stated the purpose of this meeting?"

- 8 The former owner of the Khyber Pass is charged with conducting surveillance for the 2008 Mumbai massacre that killed 166 people. Plus, he's the guy who kept booking The Interpreters.

- 1 The organizers of the Dad Vail Regatta request a hold on the Schuylkill River despite moving their event to Rumson, N.J. Sounds like somebody's getting scull-fucked.

+ 1 Brendan Witt of the New York Islanders, in Philly for a game, is hit by a truck outside a Starbucks in Old City. "Oh man, I am such a shitty driver," says the Flyers' Riley Cote. "On the upside, I finally know what it's like to knock somebody down. See, I'm a shitty fighter, too."

- 1 Former Eagle Freddie Mitchell is arrested because of an outstanding warrant for nonpayment of child support, but is released in time to return to his radio show on 97.5 The Fanatic. "I made the mistake of sending the money via FredEx, which I've since been informed is something I made up."

This week's total: -4 | Last week's total: 11