The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 3 Seven century-old graves are found during renovations of a Fairmount house. All part of Ed Bacon's plan.

- 3 Deputy District Attorney John P. Delaney Jr. tells the Inquirer that "the bail system is a complete cartoon." And that the conjugal visit system "is like a cute little pictogram."

0 The Keystone State Boychoir, whose members live throughout the Philadelphia region, will perform in Antarctica. "They're not very good," says director. "We figured this would save everyone a lot of headaches. I wear earplugs all day. I hope to die down there."

+ 6 Michael Nutter will likely add more bike lanes to complement the already successful ones on Pine and Spruce streets. Infuriated, Stu Bykofsky threatens to return to the primordial ooze and undo all the evolution he caused. Yep, we're all descended from Stu Bykofsky, who was once a single-celled organism with a flagellum and everything.

+ 7 Michael Nutter and City Council move to abolish the Board of Revision of Taxes. And then it's abolished, because it only takes one move. Like en passant.

+ 2 Kathleen Turner will play Molly Ivins for the Philadelphia Theatre Co. in March. Oh, did Molly Ivins have a voice like Jabba the Hutt with bronchitis?

0 Michael Vick proposes to his girlfriend on her 29th birthday. He killed dogs.

- 2 Parent Stephanie Cruel says she is being treated unfairly by school officials after speaking out against a uniform policy at Northeast High School. "Honey, you don't know pain," says fellow PTA member Gail Unusualpunishment.

- 1 Preliminary hearings begin for the woman arrested for offering sex in exchange for 2009 World Series tickets. If only there were some way to make these charges just go away.

- 5 Action News weatherman Dave Roberts injures his knee before his final weather report, then retires after 31 years. Cecily Tynan hand-feeds him a sugar cube, then shoots him.

This week's total: 1

Last week's total: -4