A Million Stories

2009 in Review, in 763 words.

We'll let you in on a little journalistic secret: Nothing important happens the last week of the year. Everyone's on vacation, governments are basically shut down, we could give a shit about post-Christmas shopping stories, and we're all either hung over from the eggnog or already pre-gaming for New Year's. In sum, nobody does anything newsworthy on the last week of the year, and even if they did, short of a nuclear holocaust, there's not much we could be bothered to care about. So in lieu of actual work, we decided instead to use this space for a trip down memory lane, a recap of those things from 2009 that we choose to remember, or would like to forget. Without further ado, here is your A Million Stories Year in Review, in 763 words:

President Barack Obama became the first black guy to take the oath of office. Certain white people couldn't accept this fact, and made a big deal of him supposedly being born in Kenya. This, however, had nothing to do with racism, of course not. Neither did the petulant temper-tantrums these folks threw over the summer, to protest Obama's plan to kill grandma and establish death panels and make children build shrines to Hitler, or something.

Amid this cavalcade of crazy, health care reform hit a brick wall of obstinacy, compromise and Joe Lieberman's ego. But on Christmas Eve, Democrats in the U.S. Senate twisted enough arms and doled out enough bribes to push through an convoluted cornucopia of somethingness that appeased Holy Joe and his cohort of almighty centrists. Progress!

Some other good stuff happened, too: Congress passed a $787 billion stimulus bill, and we crawled out of a recession. Most of the TARP money that bailed out banks was returned, with interest, to the federal government. The Obama administration took a softer approach to medical marijuana. We're actually going to try to punish some of the people who attacked this country back in 2001, rather than torturing them up in Gitmo forever. The White House signaled some semblance of seriousness regarding climate change. Also, Vermont, New Hampshire, Washington, D.C., and Iowa allowed gays and lesbians to marry.

Closer to home, Sen. Arlen Specter, faced with the prospect of getting his ass kicked in next year's GOP primary by fruitcake Pat Toomey, jumped ship. Vince Fumo was convicted on 137 counts of corruption and sentenced to approximately 12 days in prison for each. The Pennsylvania legislature agreed to allow casinos to employ table games and extend credit to slots players, two things we were once assured would never happen. Mayor Michael Nutter saw the city's budget — and his popularity — crater. He threatened to close the libraries and lay off everyone, unless the legislature allowed him to raise the sales tax, which it did. The libraries are still underfunded, but at least they're open. Nutter still hasn't finalized contracts with the city's unions, although on Dec. 18 an arbiter awarded the police union a 7 percent raise over three years; this decision will likely serve as a template for negotiations with the city's three other unions, and become Nutter's massive headache in 2010.

Speaking of unions, Willie Brown's Transport Union Workers Local 234 damn near brought the city to Armageddon by threatening to strike during the weekend of Halloween and the World Series unless SEPTA gave them whatever they wanted. After the Series left town, the TWU struck anyway , in the middle of the night without telling anyone, for six days. Then SEPTA gave them more or less everything they wanted. During the strike, the R5 caught fire. SEPTA workers still do not make change.

Some black Philly kids weren't allowed into a pool in the suburbs. That pool later closed. The city's murder rate declined. The city's two bankrupt dailies produced remarkable feats of investigative journalism, including reports on nefarious cops, the city's incompetent court system and the ridiculously corrupt Board of Revision of Taxes, which was eventually folded into an arm of City Hall, much to the merriment of good government types. Brian Tierney is still in court, trying to keep control of said bankrupt newspapers. The city's Greenworks program laid down a comprehensive plan to fulfill Nutter's dream of making Philly the greenest city in the country. The city added bike lanes to Spruce and Pine streets in Center City, which pissed off a lot of drivers and Stu Bykofsky. After two bikers collided with and killed pedestrians, City Council members proposed draconian restrictions on bikes, including fines for biking on the sidewalk that exceeded the penalties paid by reckless drivers.

The Phillies won the National League and returned to the Big Show, but couldn't repeat as WFCs. Temple University's football team earned a trip to its first bowl game since the Carter administration. Villanova University's basketball team looks pretty goddamn awesome. The 76ers are terrible, even with Allen Iverson. The Eagles hired dog-killer Michael Vick as their backup QB. The Dad Vail regatta moved to Jersey, but then came back, because Jersey sucks.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia just wrapped its fifth season, and is still awesome. And Mac and Sweet Dee bought a bar in Old City, and that can't help but be awesome. And we fell slightly deeper in love with Tina Fey, who lived around here once.