Awards Show, Part 2!

by E. James Beale

Editor's note: Last week, E. James Beale kicked off the First-Ever (Possibly Annual, But Maybe Not) Sports Complex Awards. This week, the thrilling conclusion:

Most Effective "One Night Only" Promotion (The Celebriduck Award): Allen Iverson

Iverson, whose December appreciation ceremony sold out the Wachovia Center, brought joy to all who attended and allowed the charismatic little man to leave basketball forever on good terms. That's what happened, right? Like the rest of Philadelphia, we stopped watching games after his comeback game.

Biggest Oversight (The Rec Specs Award): The 2009-10 76ers

This year, if they keep their current pace, the Sixers will break the league record for three-pointers allowed in a single season and shatter their team record. The team record? Set last year. The league record? Set by current Coach Eddie Jordan's 2007-08 Wizards. So yeah, maybe someone should have seen this one coming.

Best Diminutive Guard Who Can Turn the 76ers Franchise Around (The Allen Iverson Award): John Wall

If the 76ers want to get back to the promised land, they'll have to get a lot worse first. If they sink low enough to luck into the University of Kentucky point man, they'll have the best foundation to make that run since AI's first tour of duty.

Most Expensive Tchotchke (The Bowflex Home Gym Award): Elton Brand

The one-time star power forward was brought in to give the 76ers their first legit low-post presence since Sir Charles ran the Spectrum. Blame the coach, blame the player or blame the game, but now he's an $80 million bench ornament.

Worst Use of Resources (The Dan Snyder Award): Andre Miller

Last year, Millerhad a $10 million expiring contract in a league where expiring contracts are gold. The 76ers, who need help damn near everywhere, opted to hold on to him and took another loss in the first round of the playoffs.

Biggest Casting Mistake (The Anti-Jersey Shore Award): Andre Iguodala

Iguodala is athletic, hard-working and as good a wing defender as the NBA has. He is not, however, the best player on a team with aspirations of a title.

Worst Free Agent Signer/Best Draft Picker Combo (The Isaiah Thomas Award): Ed Stefanski

Stefanski paid Iguodala $20 million more than anyone else could offer him, locked up Elton Brand for the six years that immediately followed his prime and signed a coach who needs shooters to lead a group of athletes. To his credit, he's found MarreeseSpeights and Jrue Holiday late in the draft in consecutive years, a duo which could conceivably help lead the team back to respectability.

Best-Run Organization (The Usain Bolt Award): Villanova University

This one goes to Jay Wright and Villanova. Over the last year, 'Nova has landed a top-five recruiting class, a top-three ranking and a trip to the Final Four. With a loaded lineup this year, and yet another star-studded class coming in next, the Wildcats have established themselves as a legitimate national power.

Biggest Local Folk Hero (The Lionel Simmons Award): Dionte Christmas

Even with Guard U just a few miles away, Temple University's Christmas managed to establish himself as one of the best backcourt men in the Big 5. The prolific scorer led the Atlantic Ten in scoring three years running and appeared ready to make the 76ers as a free agent ...

Hardest Fall, College Division (The Lawrence Phillips Award): Dionte Christmas, again

... right up until Christmas was caught recklessly driving a car that wasn't his, with a gun that wasn't registered to him, all without a license.

Unlikeliest Sidekick (Great Gazoo Award): Ike Reese

After months of scoffing at the lunacy of the possibility, Howard Eskin, enemy of "nitwits" everywhere, was given a co-host, Ike Reese, for the first time in years.

Biggest Fumble (The Ernest Byner Award): The City of Philadelphia

This one goes to theCity of Brotherly Love, which stated that it wouldn't pay for a 2009 Phillies Championship parade. Good thing that one "worked out" for them.

Worst Streak (The Philadelphia 76ers Award): Naked Bike Ride

I know everyone else here at CP loved that thing to death, and I won't be surprised if the title of this little rant is changed to "awesomest thing in the history of man" or whatever before all is said and done, but I just can't bring myself to get behind a bunch of naked assholes celebrating themselves for mile after mile. Literally speaking, of course.

Falsest Hope (The Danny Briere/Peter Forsberg/Jeremy Roenick Award): Chris Pronger

Congrats, Chris, you're the latest long-past-his-prime veteran who's supposed to land the Flyers the Cup but will inevitably come up short.

Heartbreakingest Moment, Life Division: Harry Kalas

On April 13, Kalas, the Hall of Fame voice of the Phillies, collapsed in the booth while preparing for a game and passed away. No World Series defeat could compare to the loss.

E. James Beale will bike naked through the streets of Philadelphia next year if he knows what's good for him. E-mail him your New Year's salutations at e.james.beale@citypaper.net.