The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 Archaeologists digging at the proposed SugarHouse Casino site in Fishtown do not find remains of a Revolutionary War-era British fort, but do find American Indian artifacts. "We're happy," says CEO Pappy L. SugarHouse. "S'long as we're stompin' on somethin' important."

0 George Badey, head of Save the Mummers, wants a detailed bill from the city, which will charge the Mummers $150,000 this year. "OK, got a pen?" asks City Controller Alan Butkovitz. "Let's call it $49.95 for the parade license, $10,000 for police overtime and $139,950.05 for sewer de-sequination."

+ 1 President Judge Pamela Pryor Dembe of Common Pleas Court says she will take into account how long criminal defense attorneys take to handle cases and use those determinants to make future assignments. "Also," says Dembe, loudly, "this will be the year I organize my spice rack and clean out my inbox. 2010!"

- 3 The "President's House" exhibit on Independence Mall is pushed back to fall. Then a bunch of tourists are pushed and they fall, too. In fact, this works on anybody.

+ 2 A group of senior citizens knits socks for veteran amputees every Christmas. Ah, senility.

- 2 A couple who met in a drug treatment facility confess to robbing seven banks and a Target in the Northeast. Which leaves the Northeast with nothing. Nothing at all.

0 The Mormon Church decides to move its proposed temple from North Broad to the Vine Street Expressway between 17th and 18th streets. The new facility has a pool. For all the Mormaids. Bell Curve sorry.

+ 4 A Chihuahua stolen from a We Love Pets store is mysteriously returned. "Sometimes dead is better," says Fred Gwynne, from beyond the grave. "But not for me. I miss being alive so much. Oh, Lilly."

0 The SPCA finds animal remains at a Feltonville house and suspects animal sacrifice. "Who would do such a thing?" asks SPCA. "Besides us, I mean. We kill a lot of animals."

This week's total: 3

Last week's total: -3