The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 5 Seth Williams vows to make Philadelphia "the safest big city in America" at his swearing-in as district attorney. "Aww, I remember my first day," says Lynne Abraham. "I said I'd ride around the city on my crushed velvet unicorn farting out delicious candy rainbows."

- 1 A former Episcopalian priest sues his former lawyer — who often worked for him pro bono — for mishandling his lawsuit against the bishop who defrocked him. "See why I defrocked this dickbag?" says bishop. "Jesus Christ."

+ 3 The head of the People's Emergency Center homeless shelter announces she will resign to let someone with new ideas and more energy step in. "Basically, I've been stacking bums like milk crates in the alley out back. I checked out a long time ago."

+ 1 Celeb chef Bobby Flay will open one of his Bobby's Burger Palaces in West Philadelphia. There better be lobster on everything, just like on your show, you prick. Or we are going to throw down for real.

- 5 The city still faces budget problems as tax revenue lags and union contracts remain costly. But then, one union head shows up and dumps a big sack of uncashed checks on Nutter's desk. Then another, and another. Soon the desk is buried in returned funds, enough to rescue the city from certain disaster. "Mr. Mayor, we are overpaid for jobs we take too long to do," they say, in unison. "This money really belongs to the people of Philadelphia. Our stranglehold on the political beast has limited our great city's progress. Our backward and bloated bureaucracy has been abusive of the public trust. Maliciously so. In short: We have been robbing Philadelphia blind for years, and we feel awful about it."

+ 1 VA offers H1N1 vaccines. VH1 offers Tool Academy.

- 1 Allen Iverson wears a Cowboys hat to the Sixers game after they beat the Eagles. On time. He showed up on time.

0 Josh Colon, a 23-year-old Pat's Steaks employee, will be on the 23rd season of MTV's The Real World, set in Washington, D.C. "Well, look who's trying to break into the douche market," laughs Joey Vento. "I already got two cooks on Jersey Shore."

This week's total: 3 | Last week's total: 3