The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

-1 Unlike previous games, few Eagles fans showed up to watch their team's playoff loss in Dallas. "Just didn't feel like showing up," says one fan in a McNabb jersey. And pads. And helmet. And he looks like McNabb.

+ 2 Four illegal immigrants are charged with running a prostitution ring in South Philadelphia. "This is kind of beside the point," says investigator, "but, ladies, when there's only four people, it's more of a square than a ring. Just saying."

+ 2 A federal program helps train unemployed individuals seeking green-collar jobs. Like in the field of Subway sandwich artistry.

+ 1 The father of Bonnie Sweeten, the woman who faked her own kidnapping, is sentenced to 18 months of probation for attacking two cameramen. And for raising an idiot who apparently never saw a single episode of Law & Order.

+ 1 The Philadelphia Police Department revamps its Web site — including a YouTube channel, a Twitter page and an emergency e-mail and text system — in an effort to engage the community. TheShieldRulzz1971: Hey @commishtweets: R we still going 2 firebomb those crazies on osage 2day? what time will it b doneu think?

+ 1 Police acquire 1,000 stun guns. Ossifer365: Hey @commishtweets: R we alloud 2 taze a guys nuts if we know hes guilty? if yes, how many times??

+ 1 U.S. Rep. Bob Brady sends a letter to TSA urging them to replace three dogs at the airport that failed bomb-sniffing tests. He goes on to suggest they hire an Irish setter, Clifford and Falkor.

+ 3 The Committee of Seventy repeats a call for the closure of the Clerk of Quarter Sessions Office, which handles bench warrants, staffs courtrooms and collects court fees, because of its poor management and record-keeping. The secretary missed the first call, having locked himself in the supply closet when the phone rang. The second time, well, he answered a banana.

This week's total: 10 

Last week's total: 3