The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 Philadelphia fans turn out at the Convention Center for the Union's first draft in Major League Soccer. "Yep," say fans. "We like watching boring things."

+ 1 Readers assemble at Bryn Athyn College to recite the 14,000-plus verses in Dante's The Divine Comedy. Thus creating a whole new ring of hell.

- 3 Residents mourn the closing of the Borders in Chestnut Hill. Dar Williams retires.

0 Three Philadelphians are members of the Baker Street Irregulars, an elite Sherlock Holmes fan club. And all three are furious masturbators.

+ 4 Ed Snider hosts a gala to say goodbye to the Spectrum that includes a life-size ice sculpture of Kate Smith. "No, no — that's really her. Someday we'll find a way to bring her back," says Snider, his eyes welling up a little. "Till then, yeah, we wheel her out at parties."

0 The Daily News describes Las Vegas mayor and Philly native Oscar Goodman as a man "who feels underdressed if he's seen in public without a hand wrapped around a martini glass and an arm around a showgirl." "What the article fails to mention," responds Goodman, "is that I am a scarf, and as such have no control over what people decide to wrap me around."

- 1 Sixer forward Elton Brand is being sued for breach of contract by a former employee of his Brand IT computer company. "Contracts? Dude, just ask the Sixers: I'll sign anything," sighs Brand. "I just joined Columbia House."

+ 1 Jimmy Rollins weds fitness instructor Johari Smith in the Cayman Islands. But only because he heard the Mets wanted her.

- 2 An off-duty police officer and 22-year-old Drexel student are in stable condition after being shot during an attempted robbery at the Bridge movie theater. Still beats a good day at the Riverview.

This week's total: 1

Last week's total: 10