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Evan M. Lopez

Perhaps you've heard that a naked Cosmo centerfold in a pickup truck named Scott Brown will occupy Ted Kennedy's seat in the U.S. Senate, thus depriving Democrats of the 60th vote that august body requires to shut down filibusters. In any other legislative system, having an 18-seat majority means you can do whatever the hell you want. In the Senate, it means Democrats have to beg for scraps from the likes of Mitch McConnell. Consequently, health-care reform, according to the Beltway's wisest sages, is pretty much finished, or at best, on the ropes. Should you happen to be one of the 46 million of the nation's uninsured, 1.3 million of whom live in Pennsylvania, that's just tough cookies. But if Life of Brian taught us anything, it's to "always look on the bright side of life," so here goes: Killing health-care reform might help the Republicans gain a few seats in Congress this November, and that's what really matters, no?

We pondered this turn of events, and the aura of impending doom that seemed to permeate the liberal blogosphere — not to mention the insanity of an institution that requires 60 votes to take a bathroom break, much less pass any major reform. This insanity is a recent phenomenon, by the way: In the first Democratic-controlled Congress of this century, 2007-2008, Republicans filibustered 112 times, more than double any Congress' previous record. But what do our Democratic Senate candidates — both of whom have endorsed the health-care reform that now teeters over the precipice — think of the present state of affairs?

We e-mailed and called Sen. Arlen Specter's campaign for comment. By press time, they hadn't responded to our queries.

U.S. Rep. Joe Sestak — who was down 20 percentage points to Specter in the latest poll — was more eager to chat. The morning after we dispatched our e-mail to his team, Sestak was on the phone, holding court (and talking faster than we could take notes) on health care, the filibuster and the state of American democracy.

"I've said for a long time, we don't need to reform America," Sestak says. " We need to reform the Senate." In his view, Massachusetts wasn't about voters' buyer's remorse. Rather, it's a manifestation of a continuing distrust of Washington — which was only exacerbated when the public saw the legislation devolve into a convoluted sea of special-interest giveaways and backroom deals. Even with the election of Barack Obama, he says, "Washington didn't change."

So Congress sucks, and Hopey McChange couldn't snap his fingers and single-handedly make that rodent-infested swampland straighten up overnight. Tell us something we don't know. Like, for instance, how to fix an asinine structure that allows a minority party to block anything it wants, particularly a bill that would insure some 30 million people.

"I don't want to change [Senate rules] right now," Sestak says. "I want to get over there, and see about it. We need some leadership." (Whether that means he'd back someone other than Harry Reid as majority leader — should Reid retain his seat this November, which doesn't look likely — is unclear.) But Sestak was taken with a recent piece in The Atlantic Monthly about the supposed decline of American society that argued that the Senate is, essentially, the only thing in American politics that hasn't fundamentally changed in 200 years. "I don't think you can just go from 60 to 51," he muses, referring to the number of votes required for cloture. "There has to be some balance. Maybe some changes are needed, right? We could be sacrificing policy for an arcane rule."

Could be.

As for the health-care bill itself, Sestak says although he'll probably go along with whatever strategy the party leaders cook up, he favors an incremental approach — bits and pieces of reformist legislation, such as eliminating health-insurance companies' antitrust exemption, prohibiting denial of care due to pre-existing conditions, making insurance companies spend at least 80 percent of your premiums on medical care, etc.

"Principled compromise," he calls it. Of course, that's assuming Republicans have an actual interest in passing laws, rather than scoring political points on the backs of the uninsured.

Sestak is more optimistic than we are.

Specter didn't talk to us, but he did go on WPHT-AM (1210) Jan. 20 to mark the first anniversary of President Obama's inauguration. And who was he paired with for host Dom Giordano's show? None other than Tea-Bagger Queen Michele Bachmann! By now, you probably know what happened next: Specter was mumbling something about prosperity, the Minnesota representative talked over him and our very senior senator snapped at her, "Don't interrupt me. I didn't interrupt you. Act like a lady."

Predictably enough, conservatives (and Sestak's campaign) rallied to Bachmann's defense. The next evening, on Sean Hannity's Fox News show, Bachmann complained that she was "stunned" by Specter's "arrogance" and that he "told me to basically sit down and be quiet." Um, no, he didn't. But she should sit down and be quiet anyway, for reasons that have nothing to do with her gender and everything to do with her crazy.

Bachmann is, of course, the woman who told her constituents not to cooperate with the Census because you might end up in an internment camp , and asked her fellow travelers to " slit [their] wrists [and] be blood brothers" to defeat health-care reform. Oh, and who could forget her classy endorsement of the first black RNC chairman last year: "Michael Steele, you be duh man , you be duh man!" Or her request for a probe into whether congressional Democrats are sufficiently pro-American.

It's about time someone told this woman to shut the hell up . Even if Arlen Specter didn't actually do that.

Chin up, Arlen. New York Times columnist Gail Collins may think you've "lost it completely," and sure, your word choice was a bit patronizing, but at least on this matter, we've got your back. After all, maybe if Democrats worried less about the appearance of civility and more about calling out the venal stupidity proffered by the Bachmann right, this country would be a better place.

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Breaking: The Schuylkill is a slightly imperfect stretch of highway! According to the list-makers at dailybeast.com, our blessed piece of I-76 — aka the Sure-Kill Distressway , aka the Sucker Expressway, aka the Home of the Gaper Delay, etc. — is the 20th-worst thoroughfare in America, with 205 hours of congestion a week (although, by our count, most weeks contain only 168 hours, but whatever) and a bottleneck speed of just 22.9 mph.

That means we edged out the Baltimore Beltway and I-75 in Atlanta, but couldn't quite overtake the San Diego Freeway or I-264 in Virginia Beach. If you're wondering, Los Angeles' Hollywood Freeway is, according to this listicle, anyway, the asphalt version of hell; it comes in at No. 1, with 686 hours of weekly congestion, which means it's a standstill in every direction ever hour of the day — not unlike the Schuylkill anytime there's the slightest hint of construction, rain, snow or, well, sunshine.

For the record, Exit 341 Eastbound — that's Montgomery Avenue and East River Drive, over near West Fairmount Park — is the Schuylkill's congestion hot spot , the Daily Beast reports. For what it's worth, our section of I-95 didn't even make the list's top 75, and we've sat on that thing for hours.

Kinda makes you want to get a TrailPass , eh 'burbies?

This week's report by Jeffrey C. Billman and Brian Howard. E-mail us at amillionstories@citypaper.net.