The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 1 Philadelphia-based Aramark is chastised by state lawmakers because of the unsanitary conditions in the Capitol cafeteria. "We expect better from the underpaid employees of this megalithic prison-food distributor!"

- 1 Arlen Specter apologizes to Rep. Michele Bachmann after telling her to "act like a lady" on Dom Giordano's radio show. "I should have just said, 'Stop acting like a jewel-eyed hate-robot,'" says Specter.

0 A Common Pleas Court judge resigns after complaints from lawyers about her courtroom management and judicial temperament. "Thoreau said, 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.' I won't be resigned to that," said the judge. "Besides, all the pleas I heard were really, you know, common."

0 Vince Fumo gives history lessons to fellow inmates, many of whom refer to him as "Senator." And "Mrs. Senator."

+ 1 The Board of Ethics fines Clerk of Quarter Sessions Vivian Miller $3,000, saying she used two campaign committees for her 2007 re-election, though city law says she can use only one. "Epic win," says Board of Ethics, and the jubilation lasts all afternoon.

+ 1 "You get a call. Someone passed away. And you get to be governor," joked Jonathan Saidel while announcing his candidacy for lieutenant governor. "And then you act surprised, like, oh that's horrible. Sure I'll be right there, I just gotta put on my best suit. But you're already wearing your best suit, so you stall for a little bit before you head out."

+ 1 The Philadelphia Pen Show concludes three days at the Philadelphia Sheraton. With the usual ink-stained orgy.

+ 1 Mayor Nutter releases a report to streamline the city's inefficient development permits process. Which leads to an ink-stained bore-gy.

- 1 The Prince Music Theater sues TD Bank for allegedly ruining their finances. How else do you explain an unsuccessful theater in this day and age?

This week's total: 1

Last week's total: 1