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Published: Feb 9, 2010

As a As Philadelphian, there are only two relationships you can have with Comcast, and by the power of deductive reasoning, you are required to hate the company either way. If you're not a customer, it's because the idea of paying $50 a month for standard-speed Internet is unfathomable, ever more so because the multibillion-dollar company finagled $43 million in tax breaks and other goodies from the state before moving into its downtown glass monolith.

If you are a Comcast customer, you hate the company for its godawful customer service and network outages. Plus, the company's defiant anti-net-neutrality stance means that, should Comcast get its way, the premium you pay for 50 MB Internet will nonetheless mean that you'll have to wait five days to load comcastsucks.org, the site you've bookmarked just to remind yourself that you are not alone.

Evan M. Lopez

So, it seems, everyone hates Comcast. Of course, Comcast would never admit to having an image problem — don't be silly — but starting Feb. 12, the company will do something about it, anyway. Well, not so much "do something about it" as " change its name." Just like Blackwater reemerged as Xe, Philip Morris became Altria and Stringer Bell started calling his dirt heroin "WMD," Comcast's phone, Internet and TV service will henceforth be known as "Xfinity" (the company itself will still be called Comcast).

To be clear, this is not an acknowledgement that anything is wrong . Instead, Comcast flack Charlie Douglas says "Xfinity" is supposed to tell you that "there's going to continue to be more speed in our Internet product, more HD, more channels, more [Video On Demand] choices, more ways to access all of our Comcast services."

Two words: New Coke.

Updates desk

Back in December, which none of you remember because you all have ADHD, City Paper contributor Julia Harte examined the right wing's campaign against leading climate scientists, including Penn State's Michael Mann, in the wake of the pseudo-scandal called "Climategate" ("Shooting the Messengers," Dec. 17). Good news: Last week, Penn State cleared Mann of falsifying or manipulating data, misusing confidential information or deleting e-mail associated with a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. The university's investigative panel was agnostic on the question of whether Mann deviated from accepted scientific practices; Mann suggested to The Philadelphia Inquirer that such an inquiry was better suited to other scientists.

Shockingly, the cabal that demanded Mann's head a few months back — including junkscience.com columnist Steve Milloy, whom the Inky quoted without noting that he was, not long ago, a Big Tobacco shill who argued that secondhand smoke was completely harmless — cried whitewash. But, fortunately, no one cares .

While we're on the subject, the fact that we had a snowstorm in February does not disprove climate change. Dumbass.

Broad Street Spectacles that are not the Mummers

During the months-late numbers juggling of last October, Gov. Ed Rendell and Harrisburg lawmakers balanced the budget by hacking away at hundreds of state programs. One of them was the State Supplemental Payments (SSP) program, which helps needy Pennsylvanians pay their bills. The SSP budget was cut some 25 percent, which means beginning Feb. 1, nearly 350,000 recipients, including 67,000 children, saw the size of their monthly checks reduced. Not much, mind you, but enough.

The program works like this: The federal government has a poverty-assistance program called Supplemental Security Income (SSI) that provides up to $675 per month for individuals and $1,011 for couples. The SSP used to provide SSI recipients an additional $27 to $43 per month . With the cuts, however, individuals lost $5 per month, and couples $10 per month.

Chump change for most of us, but for a population already on the margins, advocates say, it's a serious blow . So, some 300 members of the Broad Street Ministry, Project H.O.M.E. and other churches and civil rights groups marched up South Broad Street last Wednesday night in funeral garb and corpse paint, toting candles, tombstone picket signs, even a giant coffin.

"The idea is to create that kind of spectacle. You need to create something that is just that impossibly odd that people take notice," says Bill Golderer, convening minister at Broad Street Ministry. "It is important, because these people that are dealing with cuts are largely invisible ."

Not that there's anything wrong with assless chaps

If you're gay, live in Pennsylvania and want to get married, you can't, and if you want to consolidate your taxes with your partner, you can't . What you can do is have a "commitment ceremony," which is basically a wedding that bestows absolutely nothing upon you except the surveillance of all your acquaintances who now know to make sure you don't have sex with anyone else . A token gesture, perhaps. But maybe it's the kind of thing that will eventually convince the knuckle draggers that there's more to teh geyz than meth and assless chaps .

(CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VERSION)

Thus, Feb. 14 marks not just St. Valentine's Day — although it does, and you should probably remember to bring home flowers, because Hallmark says so — but also the first-ever National Commitment Day , which, if its creators have their way, will become as ubiquitous and profitable as Cupid himself . Created by Michael Yatvin, CEO of the Jeffersonville-based Provence Catering, this holiday seeks to promote marriage equality and dispel the meth/chaps stereotype by throwing a free shindig for the lucky couple who won a Philadelphia Gay News essay challenge. (The essay prompt: "Write 500 words on why you deserve a free commitment ceremony.")

The couple at hand is Sue Krisanda, a 22-year-old Temple University senior, and her 23-year-old partner Lisa Brown, who manages a Five Guys in Rio Grande, N.J. They met at Outfest in October 2007. "All I need is me and her and it will be perfect," Krisanda wrote to PGN. "But I know Lisa feels differently.... I know she wants the ceremony with all the trimmings.She wants the cake and the catering and she wants her huge, crazy family to be present .So maybe the biggest reason I think we deserve this opportunity, dear reader, is a selfish one. The reason is this: The greatest gift to me would be the ability to give her this opportunity."

All together now: Awwww.

Right now, of course, National Commitment Day is basically Sue and Lisa's commitment party (at the incredibly posh Chestnut Club in Center City). But Yatvin would like nothing more than to see it grow: "We've been talking about promotions with airlines and resorts in the Caribbean," he says. "Would I like to see people pay us a licensing fee? Absolutely. Would I like to see people have greeting cards and so on? Of course."

Make that National Commitment Day .

This week's report by Jeffrey C. Billman, Alexandra Harcharek and Andrew Thompson. E-mail us at amillionstories@citypaper.net.