Snow Contest

POLL: Can you call dibs on a parking spot you shoveled?

Be seated. Now, on this seventh week of 2010 comes "Complainant," Man Overboard!, with a Motion for Summary Judgment against "Defendant," the Unknown Resident of the 4800 Block of Cedar, known to this court as John/Jane Snow.

Jurisdiction: No Court of Common Law would allow Complainant judgment over his own case. But we find that in the Court of Mere Opinion such practice is commonplace and acceptable. Therefore, the Court does have jurisdiction.

Statement of facts: 1) Much snow fell. 2) On the morning of Sunday, Feb. 14, Complainant observed a "Vehicle" (not his own) parked at the northwest corner of 48th and Cedar streets. 3) Affixed to it with Scotch tape were no fewer than eight pieces of paper, each of which read: "I shoveled this snow!" 4). Complainant deduced that Defendant had dug out his/her parking spot, but had lost it to Vehicle.

Complaint: Plaintiff charges Defendant with Unruly Behavior, Poor Civic Engagement and Failure to Behave According to the Principles of Democracy and the American Way.

Findings: The Court finds that 1) Shoveling snow is burdensome, that 2) A good parking spot is valuable, and 3) Taping signs is better than slashing tires.

However: The court also finds that 1) It had been days since the last Great Snow and 2) other Good Residents of the block had dug out their spots, too, resulting in 3) nearly as much available parking as before, rendering Defendant's sense of ownership not only 4) obviously without basis in law but also 5) well past any statue of limitations.

Opinion: The court rules against Defendant, finding at last that 1) Life is burdensome, and 2) Such labor as shoveling constitutes a reasonable portion of that burden, and that 3) The Defendant benefits from the Toils and Labors of Block Captains, Civic Groups and Volunteers who care for the Good City of Philadelphia. If Defendant desires his/her own parking spot, free from the Vagaries of Mother Nature, Defendant should 4) move to some Godforsaken gated community in South Florida or 5) Suck it up.

Conclusion: Despite the Court's ruling, we recognize that this is America, and the Defendant is entitled to appeal. Therefore we appeal this case to the Good and True People of Philadelphia, who shall have the Final Say. We therefore transfer the case of Man Overboard! v. John/Jane Snow to the City Paper Web site, where shall be posted an Online Poll and ample room for Public Comment.