The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+5 Wawa replaces Sunoco as the sponsor for the city's Welcome America July 4th festivities. For $1.25 you can add bacon to any firework.

0 "If anyone tells you they have the one, single solution for crime in the city, you should move away from that person," said Mayor Michael Nutter at a forum on the city's crime. "Unless that person is me. Now please line up for your vitamins."

-1 Philadelphia police charge a Scranton priest with cocaine possession. And the new guy's Eucharist just isn't as good.

+3 Bart Blatstein holds a formal groundbreaking for his new retail complex on the site of the former Schmidt's brewery. NoLibs residents can't decide if they're more excited about the ball pit or the shrinky dink studio ooh shrinky dinks remember them omg I don't ever want to grow up ever.

+1 Protesters gather outside John Mayer's concert in Philly because of his use of the N-word in a Playboy interview. Wait a minute — that was a dude? Oh. Oh god.

+3 The Guinness Book of World Records alerts Old City's Ristorante Panorama that its 120-bottle winekeeper/cruvinet is the largest in the world. Alternate theory: Somebody with a phone is fucking with you, guys.

+1 Sen. Arlen Specter received a call on his 80th birthday from President Obama. Alternate theory: Somebody with a phone is fucking with you, old man.

0 A Buffalo newspaper mocks Philadelphia's supposed overreaction to the "snowmageddon." Then the dim-witted oafs skulk back to their Bills-themed Dumpsters, their knuckles cutting wide swathes in the icy debris that encrusts their streets, their homes, their lives.

0 Phillies' Ryan Howard's new girlfriend, Eagles cheerleader Krystle Campbell, used to date Jeff Carter of the Flyers. Hang in there, 76ers. There's somebody out there for you. It might even be Krystle.

+4 Atwater Kent Museum discovers portraits of a prominent antebellum African-American couple in storage. Bell Curve "discovers" dollar in last year's snow pants.

This week's total: 16

Last week's total: 7