The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board raids three popular bars, alleging that they had not registered all the names of their specific beers with the Board. The offenders are slapped with a Major Party Foul citation and a You Been Holding Out On Us Bro fine.

0 Starting May 1, all New Jersey drivers under the age of 21 must display license plate decals signifying their age. It's a Ke$ha bumper sticker.

0 A Citizens Bank Park janitor pleads guilty to charges of stealing a diamond-studded, $10,500 Phillies World Series ring that was left in the bathroom. Raúl Ibáñez will steal $11.5 million this year and no one will say a thing.

+ 2 After being accused of running a needlessly expensive and poorly managed office, Clerk of Quarter Sessions Vivian Miller steps down halfway through her term. "Oh wait, what? I thought I was in charge of Quarters sessions," she says, stumbling then leaning over. "Somebody hold my hair."

+ 1 Philadelphia police attribute the city's lower crime rates to increased foot patrols. And sock puppets.

0 A Manayunk church attributes its recent growth to Web savvy. And dollar Coors and 25-cent wings.

- 1 Former Gov. Tom Ridge announces that he'll start a new lobbying firm in Harrisburg. Good for you, Bushpuppet. We're all on orange alert with excitement over here.

- 1 SEPTA plans to get rid of the "R" label on regional rail lines, claiming they will be easier to understand. All this time we thought they were pirate trains.

- 2 A Delaware County IT employee is arrested for masturbating in public on a Southwest Airlines flight. TMIT.

0 Former Mayor John Street voices his concerns over the fairness of Mayor Nutter's proposed trash fee. Meanwhile, deep in the woods, a lone pine tree plummets noiselessly, as if lowered to the ground by angels.

- 1 Another teen mob runs through the streets near City Hall. Bill Cosby starts handing out homemade demerits.

This week's total: -2

Last week's total: -10