The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 City Council may soon loosen the ban on city workers engaging in political activity. "Phew," says the mayor and everybody on City Council.

+ 1 Satirizing Comcast's acquisition of NBC, 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy likened a Philly company buying a New York one to "Vietnam defeating the United States in a ground war." Thank you, Jack. Philly is smarter, quicker and nimbler than New York. One thing, though: Charlie Manuel don't surf.

+ 3 Comcast SportsNet buys popular blog the700level.com. "Why, that's like Vietnam beating the United States at being Asian," says Jack Donaghy.

- 1 Masked gunmen make off with $90,000 in a jewelry store heist at Franklin Mills Mall. It is the ugliest jewelry ever stolen.

0 Bala Cynwyd-based plastic surgeon Sherman Leis credits the growing popularity of vaginoplasties and labiaplasties with his success despite the recession. "Anything else y'all wanna make women insecure about?" asks Leis. "I gotta put three kids through Widener."

- 2 Marketing experts say the proposed citywide tax on sugary drinks has loopholes that would render it ineffective. "Once again Philadelphia has been defeated by my mighty soda," says the booming voice of the late Dr. Philip Syng Physick. "The widemouthed bottle of history is open, citizens — with a pleasant hissing sound! And inside the cap it says, 'You Lose, Try Again.'"

+ 3 The SPCA rescues "five dogs, 22 cats, one pigeon, one turtle, one duck, one hamster, seven guinea pigs, eight doves and four exotic birds" from a Northeast home. And that's the end of the Cottman Zoo.

+ 3 Following charges of favoritism and nepotism, the International Brotherhood of Teamsters appoints an outside trustee to oversee high-paying job assignments within the movie and trade-show industries in Philly. "Hey Frankie, I trust that you are outside when you are making these assignments."

This week's total: 7

Last week's total: -2