The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 4 City Council passed a bill last week keeping future politicians from abusing the city's Deferred Retirement Option Plan, but it doesn't apply to any current elected officials. "Sounds fair," says Councilman Skeletor.

0 Another flash mob hits South Street on Saturday night, prompting city officials to consider curfews for young people. "It's an idea I picked up from a little movie called Footloose," says councilman Jim Kenney. "I'm halfway through. So far, it's great!"

0 A federal court in Philly gears up for the crowds and media expected to follow Oprah Winfrey's defamation suit. City officials consider a curfew for middle-aged women.

+ 1 Fox 29's John Bolaris complains that an imposter on Facebook is messaging his friends and professional contacts. Meanwhile, in his secret hideout deep below Independence Hall, Larry Mendte's smirk becomes a chuckle, then maniacal laughter. "Good luck saving Farmville now, pretty boy!" he bellows. "For the Prankster has decided to make a sport of your life."

+ 1 A federal appeals court rules in favor of Philadelphia Newspapers Inc., which owns the Inquirer and Daily News, saying it can prevent its lenders from using their debts to buy the company. "Oh thank Christ," say the lenders.

0 The James Beard Foundation reveals its finalists for the Beard Awards. They all happen to be playing Danger Danger all this week.

+ 2 President Obama bestows Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper with a case of Yuengling. Says Harper: "Still in a recession, eh?"

+ 3 PhillyCarShare announces a new, cheaper plan for infrequent drivers. It's called the bus.

+ 5 City Hall announces a new strategy helping neighborhoods that are not blighted, but "need a little help," naming Fishtown, Fairmount and East Mount Airy among them. Fishtown immediately celebrates its "not blighted" status. A bag of America's Choice pretzels is passed around.

- 1 Aramark asks Philadelphians to vote on their favorite signature hot dog. As expected, the winner was "My Dick."

This week's total: 7

Last week's total: 7