The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 3 Shortly after relaxing penalties for pot possession, DA Seth Williams sends out a press release stating, "We are not decriminalizing marijuana." Adding: "I don't know what I'm saying right now. Who the fuck ate all the Bugles?"

0 Casino developer Steve Wynn assures the city that a South Philly casino would be "Wynn top to bottom." Then he winks at Mayor Nutter, makes that clicky sound with his tongue and says, "You know what I mean, Mikey."

0 Gov. Rendell gets a letter from an anti-government group ordering that he resign. "Patience, doodz," says Rendell, sucking on a spleef, chomping on some Bugles.

+ 1 A jury finds a local doctor guilty of running a "pill mill." Also of smoking Pall Malls and listening to Pell Mell. And polling Richard Moll. And the thing he was doing to Martin Mull, well, it's not illegal but he should really close the curtains.

+ 1 City engineers begin to work on an iPhone application for Philly's 311 call system. "That sounds fun," says nobody anywhere.

0 Philly AIDS activist groups give a fake $9 billion check to Sen. Arlen Specter and Congressman Chaka Fattah. Specter tries to cash it anyway because what does he possibly have to lose.

+ 1 Police arrest a man who climbed through a McDonald's drive-thru because he was sick of waiting for his Filet-o-Fish. "Fuck right I'm pressing charges," says flopping plastic fish mounted on the wall.

0 At a protest on Good Friday, gun-rights advocates taunt gun-control supporters and sing "God Bless America." Then they sing "We Are 4.2 Times More Likely To Get Killed By A Gun Than You Are." It's not very catchy, but it's true.

+ 1 The TV show Ghost Hunters films at the Philadelphia Zoo. "My God," says one researcher slowly removing his infrared goggles. "Ghost monkeys. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe."