The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 3 The Phillies apologize to Michael Vangelo and his 11-year-old daughter after fan Matthew Clemmens vomited on them on purpose. Adding, "Of course, at the Vet we'd have put the guy on PhanaVision, so let's keep things in perspective."

+ 4 Police catch a Center City bank robber after the teller slips a GPS device in with the loot. But he escapes when they drive into a fountain on the way to jail.

- 3 Residents in two North Philly high-rises do not get U.S. Census forms in the mail. And wink out of existence.

+ 1 During a traffic accident between a car and a few horse-drawn carriages in Old City, three horses break free. While the car's engine stayed put. There's a lesson in there, Commodore.

+ 1 The FBI figures out that, despite wearing a different T-shirt each time, one man is responsible for three recent bank robberies. Then the investigators lose their keys, no wait, here they are, in the other pocket. Now, where'd we put our glasses? Oh.

0 Political experts say the four Democratic candidates for governor have spent more time on the road together than any in recent history. But the joyride turns deadly when they flip off Republican Tom Corbett in an 18-wheeler.

+ 1 All four Democratic candidates vow to create a greener Pennsylvania at an Academy of Natural Sciences forum. "Thanks!" says the rotting, stuffed pelt of an endangered gorilla forever encased in a life-size diorama display just 15 feet away.

+ 1 A 9-year-old beats Mayor Nutter in a chess game at the Checkmate Violence 24-Hour Chess Marathon. Then a baby beats Nutter at Connect Four. A baby!

+ 1 Sam Katz describes himself and former Mayor John Street, who he ran against in '99 and '03, as "just two old warhorses who've been through a lot." Adding, "Well maybe I'm more of a war My Little Pony. Or, like, a war-something else that never won anything."

This week's total: 9 | Last week's total: 22