The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 A bomb squad at the airport examines an unattended backpack but discovers only pornography inside. "To be fair," says bomb squad captain, "there is something fairly explosive at around minute 17 of The Squirt Locker."

+ 2 Phillies slugger Ryan Howard signs a $125 million contract extension that could last until he's 37 years old. Explains Ruben Amaro Jr.: "We want to keep this exciting core in place long enough to get old and terrible together."

+ 1 One teen who kicked another in the head during a flash mob apologized in court, saying her "thoughtless and reckless behaviors affected not only me, but society." "Actually, it's pretty funny from a safe distance," Society responds. "Do it again so we can film it."

0 Three men dressed as Nazis get beaten up outside a punk show in Old City. And the creatures nearby looked from punk to Nazi, and from Nazi to punk, but it was impossible to say which was which.

- 2 A SEPTA regional rail conductor is injured by a low-speed train near a switch in Glenside. "I've heard about these newfangled 'auto-mated switch-es,'" says SEPTA tycoon Cornelius VanGillicutty, "but I just don't trust no ro-bits. It's like I've always said, if you want a track switched right, you put the train in idle, get out and switch it your dang self."

- 3 The city bulldozes 7,000 counterfeit watches confiscated last year. Hey spazzes: They were real watches.

+ 4 In town performing a play, actress Kathleen Turner complains to Mayor Nutter about Philly cab drivers not using hands-free devices. "Oh, is that what she was trying to say?" asks Nutter. "That famous sex-smoky voice? Yeah, it's dropped down to like Jabba the Hutt levels. I mean, Jesus Christ. I was like: Who is this crazy lady burping at me?"

+ 2 Shepard Fairey comes to town to put up wheat-paste murals in the area. Aw, look, Banksy has a posse.

This week's total: 5

Last week's total: 9