Chopped and Screwed

Spencer Walker wants to teach you how to Cook to Bang.

by Felicia D' Ambrosio

The restaurant line cook, no matter how stinky his whites or degenerate his lifestyle, is living proof that sharp knives and sauté pans can earn you more horizontal dance partners than any BMW or beach house. Cook-turned-author Spencer Walker understands this — and he's elaborating on it in Cook to Bang (St. Martin's Griffin, May 11), an instructional guide on how to capitalize on kitchen chops to win over the ladies.

"I'm a very average-looking guy," says Walker, a former children's television writer who lives in L.A. "But I'm funny and a good cook. ... Cooking makes people think you're a keeper. You can stand out by figuring out what your date might like and making it for them."

Though not strictly a cookbook (Walker calls it a "culinary seduction guide"), dozens of simple recipes dot the chapters; dishes like "Tap That Ass-paragus Soup" and "Eggs Whorentine" were culled from more than 400 on his blog. The reasons why Cook to Bang can and will work are spelled out (in all caps) in the few first pages: "1. CHEAPER THAN A RESTAURANT 2. YOU'RE ALREADY IN YOUR HOUSE 3. YOU'RE DESSERT."

It's not the quality of the tips but the style of the writing where Walker sometimes violates his own maxim of "don't try too hard." The book is stuffed to bursting with every slang sex term imaginable; the "Sexual Profiling" chapter classing women in groups like "Club Sluts," "NASCAR Nasties" and "Sororiteases" wavers between corny and borderline offensive. Although language-obsessed feminist types will hate it, the book is genuinely funny more often than not, and as comprehensive a guide as any clueless would-be Lothario could want.

"I believe everybody can cook — some are better cooks, but anyone can do it," says Walker, who saw his friends spending major cash on restaurant dates that led nowhere and felt a need to help. "This is like a community service! It's not intended to offend, but educate."

The education continues with a fascinating history chapter laying out the unhinged sexual practices of great civilizations, but Walker's at his best when he drops the locker-room caricature act to provide straight advice, like the "Pregame to Bang" chapter focusing on creating the right vibe — lighting, a clean bathroom, the correct way to set a table. Miss Manners it's not, but undoubtedly smart stuff.

(felicia.dambrosio@citypaper.net)