The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 5 A police sergeant who said he was shot last month by an unidentified black man in the city's Overbrook section admits he made up the story and shot himself. "Literally," he adds. "Though I guess metaphorically, too."

- 2 A drunk driver crashes into a police cruiser in Frankford. Cruiser later admits it got drunk and crashed into itself.

- 3 A Northeast beauty salon owner who obtained 4 million diet pills from China without a prescription surrenders to the feds. Like 100 times in an hour.

0 Washington Square residents and the National Park Service disagree over the proposal to remove a 135-year-old tree from the neighborhood. "There's a hole in the tree," says ranger. "That makes it more fun!" says resident. "No, it's a giant cavity," says ranger. "It should brush its teeth!" says resident. "This tree is structurally unsound. It could fall down," says ranger. "Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down! Wheeeeee!" says resident.

+ 1 South Philly High installs 126 cameras following recent instances of violence. And hires the Lower Merion High IT department to monitor them.

+ 1 Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, in her current role as solicitor general, will decide whether Vince Fumo's light jail sentence was due to political connections. After that, she'll have the whole day to herself.

0 Longwood Gardens hires a Dutch landscape architecture/urban design company to guide their growth over the next four years. "Surprise! It's me, Darren 'Dutch' Daulton. I'm gonna turn this place into an alien airport."

- 5 Philly soul legend Bunny Sigler releases a new single that ties together the M.O.V.E. tragedy of 1985 and the recent fire that destroyed some studios and memorabilia at Philly International's headquarters. The B-side muses on the Legionnaires' disease outbreak in 1976 and a cold Sigler had last winter.

0 Somebody sticks a knife in Angelo Cataldi's caricature on the wall at the Palm. Should have been a fork. Ten years ago. This week's total: -13 | Last week's total: -25