The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

0 The Philly Pretzel Factory unveils its new product, the Cheesesteak Pretzel. Guys, if you couldn't jam a Chocolate Junior in there somewhere, you just weren't trying.

+ 1 Vice President Joe Biden speaks at the University of Pennsylvania for his daughter's graduation. In blackface. Dude's a gaffe machine.

+ 3 One woman travels from Tanzania to get her degree at the University of Pennsylvania's graduation ceremonies. Joe Biden stops the ceremony to do his "Tune In Tasmania" routine. Gaffe machine!

+ 4 Two thousand students compete in the fifth annual Philadelphia Reading Olympics. Sadly, their parents all dropped them off in Reading.

+ 3 The opening of the Old City bar owned by two It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia stars will feature a red carpet. "On each and every one of our waitresses!" adds Mac. Then he and Dennis high-five.

0 Tony Luke Jr. will co-star in Hush Little Baby, a film about a family living in the Bucks County forest. And Joey Vento just landed the lead in the TV adaptation of Shit My Dad Says.

+ 5 A U.S. district judge rules that Lower Merion Schools can no longer monitor students via Webcams on their laptops. Adding: "I mean, duh."

0 The first Mormon temple in the state will go up in Philly by 2013. What good is a temple that won't be ready until a year after The Rapture?

+ 1 Flyers fans are accused of damaging a Montreal reporter's car, harassing a Canadian TV crew and pulling the plug on a Canadian radio broadcast. Go ahead, keep complaining. Somebody's cruising for a mouthful of second-hand barf.

+ 11 The Flyers enter the NHL history books as only the third team to come back to win a playoff series after losing the first three games. Y'know what? Bell Curve is sorry about that barf joke. You know, we try to push the limits and sometimes we go too far. We apologize. Go Flyers!

This week's total: 28

Last week's total: -13