The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 20 Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay throws a perfect game. "Once my team gave me that gigantic one-unearned-run lead, I felt like I could relax. Really, thanks you guys."

+ 1 Philly PD speaks out against its officers taking personal photos of crime scenes, to keep them from going viral. "We also probably shouldn't beat the shit out of suspects as much," adds Commissioner Ramsey. "But right now, yeah, we're focusing on cell phone pics."

0 Local businessman proposes a Hebrew-language charter school to open in Center City in the fall. "And now on the Big Talker, a special comment by Joey Vento who — ow, he bit me. Fucking guy bit me. He's barking like a damned Rottweiler now. Oh god. I think ... I think he messed himself. And he's foaming at the mouth. He may have to be put down."

+ 1 A new "medical concierge" program takes people recently released from hospitals and sets them up in the Ritz-Carlton to recover before returning home. It's part of a new plan from Independence Blue Cross called Baller's Choice.

- 3 A Michigan woman sues Trans States airlines for false imprisonment after she fell asleep and woke up trapped in the plane, three hours after landing in Philadelphia. "It reminded me of The Langoliers," sobbed the woman. "No one deserves to be reminded of The Langoliers!"

+ 1 Haverford College discovers a letter written by Descartes in its archives, then finds out it was stolen from a collector in Paris. Of course the authenticity is in doubt, as the letter starts with: "I think, therefore I am glad I'm not a Swatty or a Mawrtyr."

+ 1 Drivers in Roxborough are asked to keep an eye out for tiny "daredevil toadlets" making their way across the roads near the reservoir. Also: Don't lick them. That doesn't work. And it's gross.

0 Police seize $1.2 million worth of pot from a West Philly mixed martial arts trainer. Now who will rise to the challenge of the Octabong?

+ 10 Go Flyers.

This week’s total: 31  |  Last week’s total: 5