Child-free and Proud

Praise the Lord and pass the diaphragm.

by Bruce Schimmel

My spouse and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, and as the congratulations came in, the big question was, "How did you do it?"

My contribution to our marriage's longevity was to love, honor and obey. With special emphasis on the obey part — especially in the matter of children.

"Thanks, but no thanks," was what my wife said to me from day one. Thanks, indeed, for all the pleasant procreative preliminaries (which continue to this day). But no thanks to the usual consequences. So praise the Lord, and pass the diaphragm.

Thus spake my spouse, and so it ought to be. For I've come to believe that the question of whether to breed should be decided by women. And her choice has worked out well: Unlike some couples with kids, after a quarter-century our marriage is very much alive.

But the decision not to have kids has also had its challenges. Some see us as freakish and selfish. This was certainly so in the early '90s, when my friend Ronnie Polaneczky wrote a beautiful piece for Philadelphia magazine about (as it was then put) "childless couples."

Ronnie's story landed us on WPVI-TV's AM Philadelphia. Wally Kennedy's gentle interview garnered phone calls that were surprisingly supportive of our decision. (Though as I watch the VHS today, I suspect my poofy hair may have swayed their feelings.)

Since then, we've said it loud: We're child-free and proud. And, like many City Paper readers at the time, we also represented a most desirable demographic called DINKs — Dual Income, No Kids.

Today, not having kids is no longer pathological. And with gay couples becoming part of the marital landscape, everyone is getting less pressure to breed. This is especially true now, as the world overflows with humans, wanted and otherwise.

Not having kids has even become a Green Thing. DINKs have been rebranded as GINKs — Green Inclined, No Kids. Meanwhile, support groups for the child-free like "No Kidding" have been fruitful and multiplied. (A local chapter is at sjnokidding.tripod.com.)

Fewer women today feel a need to breed. In 1976, 10 percent of American women ages 40 to 44 did not have children, according to U.S. Census data. By 2003, that number had jumped to 19 percent.

We child-free have gone from pariahs to prophets.

Look, both my spouse and I like children. We love my friends' kids as much as we love their parents. And it's fine by me to celebrate Mother's and Father's Days. Having a child and being a good parent is a wonderful thing.

But so is not having children. Does this make us selfish? Hardly. After all, the child-free still pay taxes to educate other people's children, and we don't get a tax deduction for not having kids.

Maybe we nonparents should have a day of our own: a "Child-Free People Appreciation Day." Perhaps if not having children were as revered as having them, fewer pubescent teens would be deluded into becoming parents.

At our wedding, my wife's mom offered her this benediction: "If you choose to have children, I hope you'll be as proud as I am of you." In 1985, she gave her daughter the choice, and my wife took it.

For women today, the decision not to bear children is far less onerous — and we are all happier for it.

(bruce@schimmel.com)