The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 3 Leaders of the state's public universities place a moratorium on low-enrollment degree programs, like physics and French, because of budget cuts. "Zat ees an outrage," says the ghost of Marie Curie. "I agree with vous," says the ghost of André-Marie Ampère. "Who zee hell are vous?" asks Curie. "Enchante, madame! I am anozzer French physiciste!" replies Ampère. "Zen, for a kiss about my bozom, vous may have zom of my frites!" says Curie.

+ 1 The court hears opening statements in a case to determine if the city can evict the Scouts from their rent-free headquarters because they exclude homosexuals. Looks like some very lucky Webelos will be getting their "Caught in the Crossfire" merit badges!

+ 5 The city celebrates its 22nd Gay Pride Parade and its 10th annual Comic Con. "We have pride, too!" says Darth Maul. "Oh. Mom just pulled up. Smell you later."

+ 1 The Greater Philadelphia Tourism Marketing Corp. launches Philly Homegrown, a program to encourage the sale of locally grown food. "Thanks," say tourists, "but we're tourists. We probably won't need any groceries during our stay."

- 4 Shortly after Mayor Nutter announces that Philadelphia will no longer fund parades or street festivals, Welcome America's executive director says the company is an exception. Look, the fucking Goo Goo Dolls are about to play their dickless douche-pop on our Rocky steps and everybody's going to laugh at us. Somebody has got to pay.

+ 4 Philadelphia is still in the running to host the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. Says one local soccer fan, "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

This week's total: -1 | Last week's total: -3